On Tuesday of this week I was slapped in the face by words I never thought I would hear: we're letting you go.
Fired.
Terminated.
Canned.
I no longer had a job.
Now what?
I had fought so hard for my job. I wanted it. I had had two similar opportunities yanked out from under me over previous years. This one was mine. And it was.
I have always been a damn hard worker, often, almost, to a fault. I am 14 years into this industry and still enjoy it.
But after this recent life change do I still enjoy it?
Is this what I'm really meant to be doing with my life?
In my last post I spoke about exploring the idea of volunteering abroad. That notion blossomed from an overwhelming feeling I've had lately that I need to be doing more with my life. I feel I need to be doing something that matters, that makes a difference, that some how contributes to the greater good.
And yet at the same time I have found it difficult to fully embrace this notion. These past few years have felt like a constant struggle. I don't think I recall a period in there where things felt lighter, dare I say easier. It feels like it has been a continuous uphill battle, and as soon as it feels like things might be leveling out the climb gets steeper.
These past few days I have found it difficult to not curl up in a ball and forget the world exists. I have cried more times than I care to admit; the kind of crying that comes from deep within. The feeling of anxiety riddled panic is one I am becoming familiar with. I try to keep the voice in my head that tells me I am in big trouble quiet. I try to remind myself that I will figure this out, like I always do. However, this is easier said than done. It is too easy to succumb to the fear, the worry, the panic. It is too easy to let myself slip into their grip. Part of the process is to let myself feel these things but not for too long.
This morning on Facebook one of my aunts sent me my horoscope as found in the Globe and Mail today:
"Today's
solar eclipse means a new start in your career or vocation is not just
possible but desirable, too. If your present position does not satisfy
you or bring the rewards you desire then now is the time for a change."
I always finding it interesting when a horoscope is eerily accurate. It is strange to me how these words written by who knows who can resonate so clearly.
To put it bluntly getting fired sucks. It just plain old sucks. However, it is also allowing for a new opportunity to present itself. I have said I want a change in my life, perhaps this is the Universe's way of giving it to me.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Skeletons in an almost 50-year old closet
As some of you may know I'm adopted. I've always known, it has never been a surprise. It just is what it is.
Recently I've been toying with the idea of trying to locate my non-identifying information and biological family medical history. I'm at an age now that I've started to realize how important my health is. Unfortunately I currently have no idea if I have a genetic predisposition to any illnesses. It is information like this that could possibly be vitally important one day. So, I have submitted my paperwork to the Adoption Disclosure office in my province. Unfortunately it will take six months to a year for me to be placed with a social worker. No searching will be done until that happens. So, it could very well be this time next year before I know anything, if there is anything to know. I have no idea what is in my records or how much information my biological mother provided almost 33 years ago. I have not yet decided whether or not I want to meet them. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
So, while I wait for the call from the social worker I periodically take to the internet to do some searching myself. As I have very little information to go on my search attempts thus far have been fruitless.
As I was browsing one website in particular another posting caught my eye. I clicked and I read. It was a posting from someone looking for their biological father and any other family members that would be willing to connect with her. She knew the last name of her biological mother, where her bio-mother was from, and where she was born. Funny, I am from that same area. Even funnier I have people in my family with that same last name. Hmmm....maybe there is a connection somewhere. So, I message this person, and tell her I have family members with that same last name and I'm also from that same area, perhaps I could help her. Oh, and by the way I'm adopted too so I know where you're coming from. After a few messages back and forth I learn that she already knows who her bio-mother is: my great-aunt. I was shocked. When I messaged her thinking I could help I thought this may be a distant connection. I never dreamed it would be my great-aunt. It has been a few years but they have been in contact though they have not met. She has also been in contact with one of her half-brothers. Though when she asked about who her bio-father was contact from them both stopped.
After a few more messages we arrange to meet for lunch the next day. It was kind of strange. Here I am, a link to a part of her biological family, yet I'm not her biological family. Here she is looking to find people she looks like, and here I am looking like no one in my family. And yet, we are still family. It was also shocking how much she and her bio-mother look alike. We had a nice lunch and sat and chatted for 2 hours.
I came home and called mom to tell her I had found a cousin of her's that she didn't know she had. She was surprised. She intends to talk to her mother (my great aunt's sister) about this. For whatever reason my gr-aunt is unwilling to meet with our new found cousin. However, M (cousin) would like to meet other members of the family if they are open to it. So, mom is going to talk to my grandmother then we'll go from there. My task is to try to find a picture of my great aunt for M.
The universe has a funny way of working. Here I was poking around the internet trying to find a link to my biological family, and I ended up being M's link to half of her's. We've added each other to Facebook. As I was looking through her pictures she posted a meme type thing that says: "We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason." So true. And again with the universe and it's funny tricks!
Oh, and here is a link to a clip of an interview she did just a few days about about how difficult it is for adoptees to search and be given information in this province: http://globalnews.ca/video/534382/adoption-challenges-in-nova-scotia
Recently I've been toying with the idea of trying to locate my non-identifying information and biological family medical history. I'm at an age now that I've started to realize how important my health is. Unfortunately I currently have no idea if I have a genetic predisposition to any illnesses. It is information like this that could possibly be vitally important one day. So, I have submitted my paperwork to the Adoption Disclosure office in my province. Unfortunately it will take six months to a year for me to be placed with a social worker. No searching will be done until that happens. So, it could very well be this time next year before I know anything, if there is anything to know. I have no idea what is in my records or how much information my biological mother provided almost 33 years ago. I have not yet decided whether or not I want to meet them. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
So, while I wait for the call from the social worker I periodically take to the internet to do some searching myself. As I have very little information to go on my search attempts thus far have been fruitless.
As I was browsing one website in particular another posting caught my eye. I clicked and I read. It was a posting from someone looking for their biological father and any other family members that would be willing to connect with her. She knew the last name of her biological mother, where her bio-mother was from, and where she was born. Funny, I am from that same area. Even funnier I have people in my family with that same last name. Hmmm....maybe there is a connection somewhere. So, I message this person, and tell her I have family members with that same last name and I'm also from that same area, perhaps I could help her. Oh, and by the way I'm adopted too so I know where you're coming from. After a few messages back and forth I learn that she already knows who her bio-mother is: my great-aunt. I was shocked. When I messaged her thinking I could help I thought this may be a distant connection. I never dreamed it would be my great-aunt. It has been a few years but they have been in contact though they have not met. She has also been in contact with one of her half-brothers. Though when she asked about who her bio-father was contact from them both stopped.
After a few more messages we arrange to meet for lunch the next day. It was kind of strange. Here I am, a link to a part of her biological family, yet I'm not her biological family. Here she is looking to find people she looks like, and here I am looking like no one in my family. And yet, we are still family. It was also shocking how much she and her bio-mother look alike. We had a nice lunch and sat and chatted for 2 hours.
I came home and called mom to tell her I had found a cousin of her's that she didn't know she had. She was surprised. She intends to talk to her mother (my great aunt's sister) about this. For whatever reason my gr-aunt is unwilling to meet with our new found cousin. However, M (cousin) would like to meet other members of the family if they are open to it. So, mom is going to talk to my grandmother then we'll go from there. My task is to try to find a picture of my great aunt for M.
The universe has a funny way of working. Here I was poking around the internet trying to find a link to my biological family, and I ended up being M's link to half of her's. We've added each other to Facebook. As I was looking through her pictures she posted a meme type thing that says: "We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason." So true. And again with the universe and it's funny tricks!
Oh, and here is a link to a clip of an interview she did just a few days about about how difficult it is for adoptees to search and be given information in this province: http://globalnews.ca/video/534382/adoption-challenges-in-nova-scotia
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