Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows I don't do well with being lied to. And whatever you do do not accuse me of being a liar.
I suspect I've been lied to. And not just a small, little white-lie. I can usually let those ones go. But I have a sneaking suspicion I've been LIED to about something with a fair bit of importance.
I have it under good authority that this person lied to me because they thought they were doing me a favor. And at the time (when I thought they were telling me the truth) I thought they had done me a favor. And now, I'm not so sure that is actually the case. They may have just made things for me far more complicated than they really needed to be.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I made the list...
...and probably even checked it twice.
You see it over there to the right side of my blog. Yeah, that list. The list of the few things I wanted to do this summer. Notice how only one of them is checked off? Oh, you do see that too. So it wasn't just me imagining it.
While I realize there is still a fair bit of summer left, I've only got one thing crossed off my list.
I know hiking the Skyline Trail isn't going to happen since it is at the other end of the province and would require me taking at least 3 days off work to make the trip up there worth it. Which is OK. While I wanted to do it, I knew going in that there was a chance that I wouldn't get it done. There's always next year.
Everything else I had really wanted to do. And yet somehow they still remain undone. And for what reason? It seems I'm a lazy ass. On my days off I just want to veg and relax. And I don't like doing things alone. I was having a stressful week back before I went on vacay and P suggested I go to the beach. I told him I had no one to go with, and he told me to go alone. Alone? Well, ok. I've got my mP3 player and a book, I could do this. So off I went. EPIC FAILURE. I felt so out of place there by myself. What was supposed to have been a relaxing few hours turned into an anxious 30mins. I don't relax well on a good day, never mind when in a situation i don't REALLY want to be in.
And I'll be honest and say I got swept up in the whirlwind that was (/is) P. While I didn't purposely neglect some of the things I wanted to do, they did sort of get pushed to the back burner. I knew they were there, and I was hoping maybe he'd so some of them with me along the way.
Anyway...on to other news....
The union people had another vote on Friday. This time the offer was accepted which means there will be NO STRIKE at work! Thank goodness!! That was definitely a source of major stress in my life. And I seemed to be one of only a few who were actually concerned for how a dozen of us were going to run a 200 room hotel.
This past week has been a hellish nightmare at work. The housekeepers, thinking there was going to be a strike, flucked off and weren't doing their jobs. Us at the desk were constantly checking people into rooms we thought were clean (and were entered as clean in the computer) only to find out they hadn't been so much as touched. It was just a disaster. It was rumoured that a few of the housekeepers were doing it on purpose to give us at the desk a taste of what it would be like if/when the strike took place. You know, so we'd know what we were getting ourselves into. Now that there isn't going to be a strike most of the housekeepers are in a blind panic because they know now that they screwed up. Strike or not, you still have a job to do up to the time you walk out. We know what rooms were coded as clean when they weren't and we'll be able to find out which roomkeeper was responsible for that section. Oh, don't you worry, we know who you are. And thank you so much for making our lives miserable for the past week.
The kick in the ass: they're all whining and complaining that they don't make enough money, they deserve more...blah blah blah. Do you really think after the way you've conducted yourselves over the past few weeks that you really deserve it? You cost the hotel more money and made us at the desk miserable (to the point that a few of us had to be talked out of just walking out). So you're fighting for more money, when going by your actions recently you don't deserve it, and we at the desk who are left to pick up the pieces won't get jack-shit (because we're not in the union). And honestly, I do think we ALL deserve a wage increase, just some of us more than others IMVHO. But c'mon people we need to remember the basics of our jobs: we're there to work together and to look after the guests. Thats it. Morale in that place has been waaaay down lately, and now its even worse. And with the housekeepers now all fighting amongst themselves (half of them wanted to strike half of them didn't....which lead to a departmental battle ground) the vibe in there isn't all that great.
And one more work related ramble here: two of our night guys are going to be doing a couple of day shifts here and there which excites me to no end! I can count on one hand the number of weekends I've had off since I started working there 2 years ago. The answer: 3. My manager works M-F/9-5, D and myself are the two supervisors, so we have to be there on the weekends to fill the manager on duty shifts. So that means we don't get weekends off, ever, unless we're on vacation. So now with the night guys coming to days, and them being able to fill the MOD stuff, D and I are able to get the occasional weekend off! You have no idea how much this excites me! Weekends off mean I can take weekend road trips (yes, I know, N...M'ton....it'll happen! I just need to find the time!), and see my brother SIL and nieces. It means *gasp* I can have something that resembles a social life!!! It means my schedule won't be completely backwards from the rest of the worlds. I may actually have time off at the same time that everyone else does! I'll take "what are things that make me happy for $400 please Alex!".
You see it over there to the right side of my blog. Yeah, that list. The list of the few things I wanted to do this summer. Notice how only one of them is checked off? Oh, you do see that too. So it wasn't just me imagining it.
-Get my first massage - DONE
-Tour Grand Pre winery
-Visit and photograph some of Nova Scotia's waterfalls
-Go camping at least once
-Hike the Skyline Trail
-Hike the Seaside Adjunct
-HIke Duncan's Cove again
While I realize there is still a fair bit of summer left, I've only got one thing crossed off my list.
I know hiking the Skyline Trail isn't going to happen since it is at the other end of the province and would require me taking at least 3 days off work to make the trip up there worth it. Which is OK. While I wanted to do it, I knew going in that there was a chance that I wouldn't get it done. There's always next year.
Everything else I had really wanted to do. And yet somehow they still remain undone. And for what reason? It seems I'm a lazy ass. On my days off I just want to veg and relax. And I don't like doing things alone. I was having a stressful week back before I went on vacay and P suggested I go to the beach. I told him I had no one to go with, and he told me to go alone. Alone? Well, ok. I've got my mP3 player and a book, I could do this. So off I went. EPIC FAILURE. I felt so out of place there by myself. What was supposed to have been a relaxing few hours turned into an anxious 30mins. I don't relax well on a good day, never mind when in a situation i don't REALLY want to be in.
And I'll be honest and say I got swept up in the whirlwind that was (/is) P. While I didn't purposely neglect some of the things I wanted to do, they did sort of get pushed to the back burner. I knew they were there, and I was hoping maybe he'd so some of them with me along the way.
Anyway...on to other news....
The union people had another vote on Friday. This time the offer was accepted which means there will be NO STRIKE at work! Thank goodness!! That was definitely a source of major stress in my life. And I seemed to be one of only a few who were actually concerned for how a dozen of us were going to run a 200 room hotel.
This past week has been a hellish nightmare at work. The housekeepers, thinking there was going to be a strike, flucked off and weren't doing their jobs. Us at the desk were constantly checking people into rooms we thought were clean (and were entered as clean in the computer) only to find out they hadn't been so much as touched. It was just a disaster. It was rumoured that a few of the housekeepers were doing it on purpose to give us at the desk a taste of what it would be like if/when the strike took place. You know, so we'd know what we were getting ourselves into. Now that there isn't going to be a strike most of the housekeepers are in a blind panic because they know now that they screwed up. Strike or not, you still have a job to do up to the time you walk out. We know what rooms were coded as clean when they weren't and we'll be able to find out which roomkeeper was responsible for that section. Oh, don't you worry, we know who you are. And thank you so much for making our lives miserable for the past week.
The kick in the ass: they're all whining and complaining that they don't make enough money, they deserve more...blah blah blah. Do you really think after the way you've conducted yourselves over the past few weeks that you really deserve it? You cost the hotel more money and made us at the desk miserable (to the point that a few of us had to be talked out of just walking out). So you're fighting for more money, when going by your actions recently you don't deserve it, and we at the desk who are left to pick up the pieces won't get jack-shit (because we're not in the union). And honestly, I do think we ALL deserve a wage increase, just some of us more than others IMVHO. But c'mon people we need to remember the basics of our jobs: we're there to work together and to look after the guests. Thats it. Morale in that place has been waaaay down lately, and now its even worse. And with the housekeepers now all fighting amongst themselves (half of them wanted to strike half of them didn't....which lead to a departmental battle ground) the vibe in there isn't all that great.
And one more work related ramble here: two of our night guys are going to be doing a couple of day shifts here and there which excites me to no end! I can count on one hand the number of weekends I've had off since I started working there 2 years ago. The answer: 3. My manager works M-F/9-5, D and myself are the two supervisors, so we have to be there on the weekends to fill the manager on duty shifts. So that means we don't get weekends off, ever, unless we're on vacation. So now with the night guys coming to days, and them being able to fill the MOD stuff, D and I are able to get the occasional weekend off! You have no idea how much this excites me! Weekends off mean I can take weekend road trips (yes, I know, N...M'ton....it'll happen! I just need to find the time!), and see my brother SIL and nieces. It means *gasp* I can have something that resembles a social life!!! It means my schedule won't be completely backwards from the rest of the worlds. I may actually have time off at the same time that everyone else does! I'll take "what are things that make me happy for $400 please Alex!".
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The universe has a funny sense of humour
When I said "when one door closes, another opens" in my last blog post, this wasn't quite what I was thinking was going to be behind door #2.
Thanks, Universe, for making my life seem like a bad soap opera. And for making my clear head a foggy, jumbled mess again.
Thats all I'll say about that for now. There will be more, eventually.
Thanks, Universe, for making my life seem like a bad soap opera. And for making my clear head a foggy, jumbled mess again.
Thats all I'll say about that for now. There will be more, eventually.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
When one door closes....
...another will open. Right?
Closure. FINALLY.
After a week of being on a crazy emotional roller coaster, crying, wondering what the hell happened to make him just drop off the face of the earth. As you are all aware I was having a hard time moving forward. I know eventually I would have moved on, but it is SO hard when you don't have answers, and it makes the process exponentially longer.
And now I know. Now I know it has NOTHING to do with me, and has EVERYTHING to do with him. I know its nothing I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say.
Yes I fell head over heels for him. I fell big time. I took my wall down, let him in and was swept away. And then he hurt me. And while I don't expect anyone to understand, I really don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the situation and that it happened. I do truly hope his new job works out and he gets his health stuff sorted out. I really do.
I have just learned over the past few years that somethings just aren't worth getting all out of sorts over. Being angry and bitter aren't going to do me any good. Infact they'll only make me feel worse. I know it would make sense for me to be angry and want to give him cement shoes and send him for a swim in the harbour!
The best part: he has no idea that I know. So there is a chance once the dust settles that he'll try again. And I'll cross that bridge if/when it comes. My roomie and I were joking last night about all the ways we could "get him": track her down and enlighten her to the situation to.....well, you name it we thought of it! However, I don't really want to stir up and get myself mixed up in any more drama. I've met her a few times, she knows where I work, so if she put two and two together it wouldn't take much for her to figure out how to find me.
But really, I am OK. I really am. I didn't once check my phone yesterday for a missed text. When the phone rang I didn't get the pang of excitement hoping it was him. I got up this morning, made my coffee and realized I really am OK. I know now that its done and he's gone. And its OK.
And better I find this out now than 6 months or 3 years down the road.
So there ya go: onwards and upwards!
Closure. FINALLY.
After a week of being on a crazy emotional roller coaster, crying, wondering what the hell happened to make him just drop off the face of the earth. As you are all aware I was having a hard time moving forward. I know eventually I would have moved on, but it is SO hard when you don't have answers, and it makes the process exponentially longer.
And now I know. Now I know it has NOTHING to do with me, and has EVERYTHING to do with him. I know its nothing I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say.
Yes I fell head over heels for him. I fell big time. I took my wall down, let him in and was swept away. And then he hurt me. And while I don't expect anyone to understand, I really don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the situation and that it happened. I do truly hope his new job works out and he gets his health stuff sorted out. I really do.
I have just learned over the past few years that somethings just aren't worth getting all out of sorts over. Being angry and bitter aren't going to do me any good. Infact they'll only make me feel worse. I know it would make sense for me to be angry and want to give him cement shoes and send him for a swim in the harbour!
The best part: he has no idea that I know. So there is a chance once the dust settles that he'll try again. And I'll cross that bridge if/when it comes. My roomie and I were joking last night about all the ways we could "get him": track her down and enlighten her to the situation to.....well, you name it we thought of it! However, I don't really want to stir up and get myself mixed up in any more drama. I've met her a few times, she knows where I work, so if she put two and two together it wouldn't take much for her to figure out how to find me.
But really, I am OK. I really am. I didn't once check my phone yesterday for a missed text. When the phone rang I didn't get the pang of excitement hoping it was him. I got up this morning, made my coffee and realized I really am OK. I know now that its done and he's gone. And its OK.
And better I find this out now than 6 months or 3 years down the road.
So there ya go: onwards and upwards!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Footprints
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson
A year ago today my Gramma passed away. Its hard to believe its been a year already. I still miss her terribly like it was yesterday.
Footprints in the Sand was her favorite poem. So this is for her.
xo
Monday, August 23, 2010
One step forward....
...two leaps back.
I had a good day yesterday, despite my craptastic week. Great food, surprises from friends, it was quite nice, actually. And actually the few days before my birthday I was feeling Ok too. I wasn't great, by any stretch, but I wasn't a sobbing mess either.
Today: back to a sobbing mess. Ok, maybe not quite a mess, but I've been fighting tears all morning.
Why is this so hard to deal with? We weren't even an official couple. We had only started talking 2 months ago, and really "seeing eachother" not quite 6 weeks ago. It hasn't been that long. Why am I finding it so hard to let go and move on.
When I was talking to N this morning I said something to the effect that the hopeful part of me and the logical part of me aren't agreeing at the moment. The hopeful part of me still thinks there is a chance, that I'll hear from him, we'll talk it out and we'll go forward together. However, the logical part of me knows that is quite unlikely. But WHY?!
There must be something in the air right now:
two girls I work with (J & K) are having issues with the guys they were/are seeing, my roomie's friend is having man issues, and my friend S is having issues with her bf too. WTH?
The difference between all them and me? Their guys are still talking to them. They can have conversations about what is bothering them, and get some sort of answers. I can't. I'm left to sit here and guess and wonder. And being a girl as I am I am left wondering what the hell it is I did that made him turn around and run. (I know, I know....it isn't anything I did or didn't do......but let's be honest, as women, when going through stuff like this, we all wonder it)
(dammit....the flood gates have opened again......gone in search of tissues...........)
Ok....back.....
And let me tell you: it is taking every fibre of my being to not text him. EVERY. FIBRE. Today is his first day at his new job. I so badly want to send a "I hope you have a great first day" text. The hopeful part of me would hope he'd respond, say he had a great first day, ask how my day was and all that jazz. The logical part knows he'll see it and not likely respond.
I spend my time willing the phone to ring. And when it does ring for a fleeting moment I am excited and hopeful that its him. And then its not, and I'm again saddened. I used to carry my cell everywhere with me, so i wouldn't miss a text from him: kept it in my pocket at work on vibrate so I'd know when I got a message, slept with it under my pillow so I would hear the buzzing when my "good morning beautiful" text would come in, just incase I was still sleeping when he sent it. I loved getting his messages, and having him call me beautiful and his queen. I've never heard the words "you're so beautiful" from a guy before. I so thought this time it was going to be different.
Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't deserve me, I deserve better, his loss.........I just don't see it that way. At least not yet. I've never felt the urge quite so strongly before to fight for someone. He was it. I saw us old and grey down the road. I've never had those thoughts with anyone before. His hugs were perfect, they fit me like a glove. His kisses were sweet, and passionate. I miss them. I miss them terribly. And I miss the person they came from even more.
:(
I had a good day yesterday, despite my craptastic week. Great food, surprises from friends, it was quite nice, actually. And actually the few days before my birthday I was feeling Ok too. I wasn't great, by any stretch, but I wasn't a sobbing mess either.
Today: back to a sobbing mess. Ok, maybe not quite a mess, but I've been fighting tears all morning.
Why is this so hard to deal with? We weren't even an official couple. We had only started talking 2 months ago, and really "seeing eachother" not quite 6 weeks ago. It hasn't been that long. Why am I finding it so hard to let go and move on.
When I was talking to N this morning I said something to the effect that the hopeful part of me and the logical part of me aren't agreeing at the moment. The hopeful part of me still thinks there is a chance, that I'll hear from him, we'll talk it out and we'll go forward together. However, the logical part of me knows that is quite unlikely. But WHY?!
There must be something in the air right now:
two girls I work with (J & K) are having issues with the guys they were/are seeing, my roomie's friend is having man issues, and my friend S is having issues with her bf too. WTH?
The difference between all them and me? Their guys are still talking to them. They can have conversations about what is bothering them, and get some sort of answers. I can't. I'm left to sit here and guess and wonder. And being a girl as I am I am left wondering what the hell it is I did that made him turn around and run. (I know, I know....it isn't anything I did or didn't do......but let's be honest, as women, when going through stuff like this, we all wonder it)
(dammit....the flood gates have opened again......gone in search of tissues...........)
Ok....back.....
And let me tell you: it is taking every fibre of my being to not text him. EVERY. FIBRE. Today is his first day at his new job. I so badly want to send a "I hope you have a great first day" text. The hopeful part of me would hope he'd respond, say he had a great first day, ask how my day was and all that jazz. The logical part knows he'll see it and not likely respond.
I spend my time willing the phone to ring. And when it does ring for a fleeting moment I am excited and hopeful that its him. And then its not, and I'm again saddened. I used to carry my cell everywhere with me, so i wouldn't miss a text from him: kept it in my pocket at work on vibrate so I'd know when I got a message, slept with it under my pillow so I would hear the buzzing when my "good morning beautiful" text would come in, just incase I was still sleeping when he sent it. I loved getting his messages, and having him call me beautiful and his queen. I've never heard the words "you're so beautiful" from a guy before. I so thought this time it was going to be different.
Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't deserve me, I deserve better, his loss.........I just don't see it that way. At least not yet. I've never felt the urge quite so strongly before to fight for someone. He was it. I saw us old and grey down the road. I've never had those thoughts with anyone before. His hugs were perfect, they fit me like a glove. His kisses were sweet, and passionate. I miss them. I miss them terribly. And I miss the person they came from even more.
:(
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Wall
I've got one. I know a lot of women out there have one, for whatever reason. It goes up far easier than it comes down. And once its up it often stays there for extended periods of time.
My wall very very rarely comes down, mainly because I don't let it. As convoluted as it may be it is just easier to keep it up, not let people in and not have them hurt me somewhere along the way. And let's be honest here, by "them" I mainly mean men. I've been bit far more than I've not been bit. Yeah yeah, thats the risk I have to take: let the wall down and take a chance.
My wall is back up. I let it down, fell and fell hard then got kicked in the gut. Its up and its staying there for awhile. It was fun while it was down. I was happier. However, for now I'm willing to sacrifice that extra bit of happiness for the safety that comes with being behind my wall.
I'm now off to Walmart for a supply of chocolate to take to work with me. The girl I'm working with is going through a bit of the same thing I am. We're going to need some of the bad-for-us goodness!
My wall very very rarely comes down, mainly because I don't let it. As convoluted as it may be it is just easier to keep it up, not let people in and not have them hurt me somewhere along the way. And let's be honest here, by "them" I mainly mean men. I've been bit far more than I've not been bit. Yeah yeah, thats the risk I have to take: let the wall down and take a chance.
My wall is back up. I let it down, fell and fell hard then got kicked in the gut. Its up and its staying there for awhile. It was fun while it was down. I was happier. However, for now I'm willing to sacrifice that extra bit of happiness for the safety that comes with being behind my wall.
I'm now off to Walmart for a supply of chocolate to take to work with me. The girl I'm working with is going through a bit of the same thing I am. We're going to need some of the bad-for-us goodness!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Keeping the kleenex people in business
Because I can't stop crying.
Twice so far today I've spontaneously burst into tears.
I've been a stress-ball lately. I'm aware of this. This work situation has really got me freaked out. I've been assured by the powers that be that I don't have to worry about not having a job to come to. Head office has already advised they will not be shutting us down, which is a bit of a relief. Its just going to be rough and its going to suck a lot if/when 95% of our staff walk out on Friday. So to say I'm stressed and anxious is an understatement.
And P. I don't know whats going on with him/us. I know I need to talk to him, but that would be so much easier if I was able to get ahold of him. He went away, again, on Saturday and didn't get back until this morning at some point. I assume now he's at work since he was scheduled today, tomorrow being his last day. He starts his new job on Monday.
I just don't know. I like him. A lot. He knows this, I've told him. Things seem to have gotten weird ever since I went away on vacation. He and I hung out that Tuesday morning, then I went away, I came back and he went away, then last week I went back to work, he's been away the past 3 weekends. I tried to steal him for a few mins on Saturday at work, but that didn't happen. He left early to go away again. When he left he told me he'd see me when he got back. (usually he says "I'll talk to you when I get back". To me there is a difference between "see you" and "talk to you" but who knows if the male brain sees the difference). I shot him a text a few hours ago to say hi and to see if he's feeling any better (he was still quite sick on Saturday when he left). He hasn't responded. Now, if he may be at work and busy so can't. Fair enough.
I just think my patience are running out. I like him. I really really do. And I want it to work. However, I don't know what to do. I suppose there isn't anything I can do. The only thing I can do right now is sit here, feel bad for myself, wonder when it'll be my turn to meet someone and be happy.......and cry. I sure can cry. I'm not sure I can make it stop.
This is what happens when I open myself up, let someone in. Vulnerability and I don't do well together - it only means I'm going to get sucker punched.
Twice so far today I've spontaneously burst into tears.
I've been a stress-ball lately. I'm aware of this. This work situation has really got me freaked out. I've been assured by the powers that be that I don't have to worry about not having a job to come to. Head office has already advised they will not be shutting us down, which is a bit of a relief. Its just going to be rough and its going to suck a lot if/when 95% of our staff walk out on Friday. So to say I'm stressed and anxious is an understatement.
And P. I don't know whats going on with him/us. I know I need to talk to him, but that would be so much easier if I was able to get ahold of him. He went away, again, on Saturday and didn't get back until this morning at some point. I assume now he's at work since he was scheduled today, tomorrow being his last day. He starts his new job on Monday.
I just don't know. I like him. A lot. He knows this, I've told him. Things seem to have gotten weird ever since I went away on vacation. He and I hung out that Tuesday morning, then I went away, I came back and he went away, then last week I went back to work, he's been away the past 3 weekends. I tried to steal him for a few mins on Saturday at work, but that didn't happen. He left early to go away again. When he left he told me he'd see me when he got back. (usually he says "I'll talk to you when I get back". To me there is a difference between "see you" and "talk to you" but who knows if the male brain sees the difference). I shot him a text a few hours ago to say hi and to see if he's feeling any better (he was still quite sick on Saturday when he left). He hasn't responded. Now, if he may be at work and busy so can't. Fair enough.
I just think my patience are running out. I like him. I really really do. And I want it to work. However, I don't know what to do. I suppose there isn't anything I can do. The only thing I can do right now is sit here, feel bad for myself, wonder when it'll be my turn to meet someone and be happy.......and cry. I sure can cry. I'm not sure I can make it stop.
This is what happens when I open myself up, let someone in. Vulnerability and I don't do well together - it only means I'm going to get sucker punched.
Birthday Blues
Yeah, more whining about my bday. But this time its not about my turning 30 and the strong possibility I'll be spending my bday solo.
For those that don't know: I'm adopted (as is one of my brothers). So every year when my bday rolls around I kinda get conflicting feelings. I start to wonder.
Its this time of year when I wonder if they think of me at all, or am I just some distant memory. I know they do likely think of me, however thats where the conflicting feelings come in: do they or don't they? What do they look like? Do I have any siblings out there somewhere? Aunts and uncles?
My parents are my parents. I love them dearly. Without them who knows where I could have ended up. They're mom and dad and will always and forever be mom and dad. No one could ever possibly replace them, nor do i want anyone to ever replace them.
And honestly I have very little interest in actually meeting my biological family. I just often wonder who I look more like, stuff like that. And its usually this time of year when I start to really wonder about it. I'm sure somewhere out there are people wondering the same things about me. Most of the rest of the year I don't even think about it, unless it comes up in conversation: one of the guys at work is adopted as well, and people sometimes ask us questions about it, which is fine. Generally its a non issue, until just before my birthday.
I don't regret my life at all and don't wish it changed in anyway. My parents provided me with love, a safe home and a wonderful childhood. Couldn't possibly have asked for more.
For those that don't know: I'm adopted (as is one of my brothers). So every year when my bday rolls around I kinda get conflicting feelings. I start to wonder.
Its this time of year when I wonder if they think of me at all, or am I just some distant memory. I know they do likely think of me, however thats where the conflicting feelings come in: do they or don't they? What do they look like? Do I have any siblings out there somewhere? Aunts and uncles?
My parents are my parents. I love them dearly. Without them who knows where I could have ended up. They're mom and dad and will always and forever be mom and dad. No one could ever possibly replace them, nor do i want anyone to ever replace them.
And honestly I have very little interest in actually meeting my biological family. I just often wonder who I look more like, stuff like that. And its usually this time of year when I start to really wonder about it. I'm sure somewhere out there are people wondering the same things about me. Most of the rest of the year I don't even think about it, unless it comes up in conversation: one of the guys at work is adopted as well, and people sometimes ask us questions about it, which is fine. Generally its a non issue, until just before my birthday.
I don't regret my life at all and don't wish it changed in anyway. My parents provided me with love, a safe home and a wonderful childhood. Couldn't possibly have asked for more.
Friday, August 13, 2010
working against me
Thats how I feel today.
I feel like everything and everyone is working against me today.
My mother and I have been doing a lot of arguing lately. About everything. She often brings up points that we have discussed MANY times in the past, yet she doesn't remember the details which makes me feel like she doesn't listen to me. She may hear me, but she isn't really listening to me. Or she'll mention something in conversation and I'll be like "um, what? you didn't tell me that" and of couse she'll insist she did. And most of the time its sorta major stuff that I know I would have remembered had she told me. There have also been times she hasn't told me things at all, not even in passing. Ex:
Just after my ex and I split a friend of mine passed away. I found out a month later from a mutual friend: "why weren't you at D's funeral? I could really have used you there.". Um, D's what? I had no idea. So I called mom and asked her what had happened. She rationalized not telling me about a friend's passing because she figured I had enough to deal with after leaving my ex. Ugh!
See, stuff like that. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Yeah, I majorly feel like she doesn't listen to me. And I don't trust her to keep what I tell her between us. Too many times in the past I've told her things and she's turned around and told her friends and eventually it has gotten back around to me. Gee, thanks mom. You know those words "just between you and I", yeah, I really mean that when I say it.
We've talked a couple times since our last argument and its strained. Trying to talk to her about how I'm feeling will be a fruitless effort. Trust me. I've tried. It gets me no where and only leads to another fight.
And I've got a ton on the brain lately and feel like I've got no one to talk to about it. My roomie is still in Van. she was supposed to be home this week but decided to put it off until early September. My other good friend S is away in Labrado working until early September. My new roomie and I talk but I don't know her well enough yet to really feel like I can talk to her about certain things. I do have a few fantastic online friends (thanks - you know who you are!) but its just not quite the same as having face-to-face girl talk, ya know?
I'm stressed over this work situation. I'm stressed and frustrated over this stuff with my mother. I've cut ties with certain family members a few months ago which is causing some tension. My father, while he doesn't like it, understands. My mother insists I make amends with them. Its fine and dandy for her to say that, however she lives 2hrs away and only sees them a handful of times a year. I live 10mins away. Visiting with them is painful. And draining. There's also family drama surrounding the familial cottage: dad and his 2 brothers have joint ownership of it. One brother doesn't use it but happily pays his share of the taxes every year. Another brother uses it but wants to make all these changes to it that are going to be costly, and since everyone else disagrees he wants to sell it. I love that place and will be pissed and devastated if it gets sold. Dad assures me he won't let that happen.
Myself and one of my brothers are adopted. I recently found out my brother got some of his non-identifying info. He learned a lot about the circumstances surrounding his adoption. So I've got that on the brain and have been thinking about finding my info. However I'm too chicken to ask my parents about this because of the issues I have communicating with my mother.
I just feel stuck and super frustrated.
I feel like everything and everyone is working against me today.
My mother and I have been doing a lot of arguing lately. About everything. She often brings up points that we have discussed MANY times in the past, yet she doesn't remember the details which makes me feel like she doesn't listen to me. She may hear me, but she isn't really listening to me. Or she'll mention something in conversation and I'll be like "um, what? you didn't tell me that" and of couse she'll insist she did. And most of the time its sorta major stuff that I know I would have remembered had she told me. There have also been times she hasn't told me things at all, not even in passing. Ex:
Just after my ex and I split a friend of mine passed away. I found out a month later from a mutual friend: "why weren't you at D's funeral? I could really have used you there.". Um, D's what? I had no idea. So I called mom and asked her what had happened. She rationalized not telling me about a friend's passing because she figured I had enough to deal with after leaving my ex. Ugh!
See, stuff like that. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Yeah, I majorly feel like she doesn't listen to me. And I don't trust her to keep what I tell her between us. Too many times in the past I've told her things and she's turned around and told her friends and eventually it has gotten back around to me. Gee, thanks mom. You know those words "just between you and I", yeah, I really mean that when I say it.
We've talked a couple times since our last argument and its strained. Trying to talk to her about how I'm feeling will be a fruitless effort. Trust me. I've tried. It gets me no where and only leads to another fight.
And I've got a ton on the brain lately and feel like I've got no one to talk to about it. My roomie is still in Van. she was supposed to be home this week but decided to put it off until early September. My other good friend S is away in Labrado working until early September. My new roomie and I talk but I don't know her well enough yet to really feel like I can talk to her about certain things. I do have a few fantastic online friends (thanks - you know who you are!) but its just not quite the same as having face-to-face girl talk, ya know?
I'm stressed over this work situation. I'm stressed and frustrated over this stuff with my mother. I've cut ties with certain family members a few months ago which is causing some tension. My father, while he doesn't like it, understands. My mother insists I make amends with them. Its fine and dandy for her to say that, however she lives 2hrs away and only sees them a handful of times a year. I live 10mins away. Visiting with them is painful. And draining. There's also family drama surrounding the familial cottage: dad and his 2 brothers have joint ownership of it. One brother doesn't use it but happily pays his share of the taxes every year. Another brother uses it but wants to make all these changes to it that are going to be costly, and since everyone else disagrees he wants to sell it. I love that place and will be pissed and devastated if it gets sold. Dad assures me he won't let that happen.
Myself and one of my brothers are adopted. I recently found out my brother got some of his non-identifying info. He learned a lot about the circumstances surrounding his adoption. So I've got that on the brain and have been thinking about finding my info. However I'm too chicken to ask my parents about this because of the issues I have communicating with my mother.
I just feel stuck and super frustrated.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Quit comparing me to you!
This is coming from a place of frustration and lack of sleep (stupid thunder storm). And yes, it is boy related. And not directed at any one person...just a general vent.
Please, for the love of whoever: stop comparing me to you!
Just because your relationship(s) started off with the two of you spending countless hours together, doing things together, hours spent on the phone with eachother, does not mean that because I'm not getting those things that the boy and I are doomed.
You're right, it has been 2 weeks since I last saw him. However, let me explain:
I saw him on the first day of my vacation, we hung out that morning. I dropped him off at work then I was on my way to hit the highway to go away for a few days. I landed back at home for one night then I was off on the highway again for another few nights away. In total I was gone for 8 days. And the day I landed back in the city he was gone for the remainder of the week with his friends in another province. Explain to me how we were supposed to get together when I was either at one end of the province or the other and not in the city near him, and then he was in another province all together? Logistically it just wasn't possible.
And I do realize not everyone would be quite as patient as I have been thus far. I realize many girls by now would have demanded more time or thrown in the towel already. I am very much aware of that. However, there is more to the situation than I can give detail in a blog post - he's got shit going on in his life: he's got a brother being shipped off to Afghanistan in the near future, his parents are older so he's involved with them, he's got health issues going on that the doctors can't put their finger on, he was miserable at work and was actively looking for new employment and finally found something worth going to.....and there's more, it would just take me far too long to type out all the details for you.
Do I believe him when he tells me he's got a crapload on his plate? I do.
Do I think there's another woman? No. I don't. I've been down that road before, I know what it looks like and feels like. And I'm pretty in tune with my gut. When it tells me something isn't right, it usually means something isn't right. My gut hasn't kicked in.
Do I think I'm settling just because he's the first decent guy that has come along in quite awhile? No. I don't. I also know what settling feels like. This isn't it.
I just wish more people would realize that there is more than one way to get to a happy ending. So there may be a few bumps along the road in the beginning. Does that mean I should just turn around and give up and forego a potential life time of happiness and bliss?
Do I expect everyone to understand? No.
Do I wish you all could meet him so you'd get to know HIM? I do. I really really do. I've never felt so comfortable, safe and happy with a man before. When we are together he makes me feel like a queen. He tells me I'm beautiful (something I've never heard from a guy before...ever.), and he tells me he likes me just as I am and to not ever change. When we first started talking he told me to just be me, nothing more, nothing less.
We've talked about the lack of time we have together, and he understands that I want to see him more and it not involve being at work. He has assured me I will get more of his time very soon. He's just burning the candle at both ends right now. I get it. I would like to think if it were me with all this stuff going on he'd be patient with me as well.
I've always been one to do things my way, which is often not the way most everyone else would. And ya know what, thats OK. Thats part of what makes me, me. I am an almost 30 year old woman. I can stand on my own two feet and make my own choices.
So please, unless you're in my shoes (or have been in similar shoes) please don't judge me or compare me to how things went in your relationship. These are my shoes to walk in. If my shoes start telling me its time to turn back, I will follow them. However, I like the path they're on and want to see where they take me.
Please, for the love of whoever: stop comparing me to you!
Just because your relationship(s) started off with the two of you spending countless hours together, doing things together, hours spent on the phone with eachother, does not mean that because I'm not getting those things that the boy and I are doomed.
You're right, it has been 2 weeks since I last saw him. However, let me explain:
I saw him on the first day of my vacation, we hung out that morning. I dropped him off at work then I was on my way to hit the highway to go away for a few days. I landed back at home for one night then I was off on the highway again for another few nights away. In total I was gone for 8 days. And the day I landed back in the city he was gone for the remainder of the week with his friends in another province. Explain to me how we were supposed to get together when I was either at one end of the province or the other and not in the city near him, and then he was in another province all together? Logistically it just wasn't possible.
And I do realize not everyone would be quite as patient as I have been thus far. I realize many girls by now would have demanded more time or thrown in the towel already. I am very much aware of that. However, there is more to the situation than I can give detail in a blog post - he's got shit going on in his life: he's got a brother being shipped off to Afghanistan in the near future, his parents are older so he's involved with them, he's got health issues going on that the doctors can't put their finger on, he was miserable at work and was actively looking for new employment and finally found something worth going to.....and there's more, it would just take me far too long to type out all the details for you.
Do I believe him when he tells me he's got a crapload on his plate? I do.
Do I think there's another woman? No. I don't. I've been down that road before, I know what it looks like and feels like. And I'm pretty in tune with my gut. When it tells me something isn't right, it usually means something isn't right. My gut hasn't kicked in.
Do I think I'm settling just because he's the first decent guy that has come along in quite awhile? No. I don't. I also know what settling feels like. This isn't it.
I just wish more people would realize that there is more than one way to get to a happy ending. So there may be a few bumps along the road in the beginning. Does that mean I should just turn around and give up and forego a potential life time of happiness and bliss?
Do I expect everyone to understand? No.
Do I wish you all could meet him so you'd get to know HIM? I do. I really really do. I've never felt so comfortable, safe and happy with a man before. When we are together he makes me feel like a queen. He tells me I'm beautiful (something I've never heard from a guy before...ever.), and he tells me he likes me just as I am and to not ever change. When we first started talking he told me to just be me, nothing more, nothing less.
We've talked about the lack of time we have together, and he understands that I want to see him more and it not involve being at work. He has assured me I will get more of his time very soon. He's just burning the candle at both ends right now. I get it. I would like to think if it were me with all this stuff going on he'd be patient with me as well.
I've always been one to do things my way, which is often not the way most everyone else would. And ya know what, thats OK. Thats part of what makes me, me. I am an almost 30 year old woman. I can stand on my own two feet and make my own choices.
So please, unless you're in my shoes (or have been in similar shoes) please don't judge me or compare me to how things went in your relationship. These are my shoes to walk in. If my shoes start telling me its time to turn back, I will follow them. However, I like the path they're on and want to see where they take me.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Ok, I'll admit it......
Oh geeze.
So after a great weekend at home with my parents and brothers, and my sister in-law and my niece, and the baby shower.....
I think I've got baby fever.
Yes, thats right.
And yes, this coming from the one who has said for the past few years she didn't want to have kids. I love kids, but just never felt the desire to have any of my own. Or so I thought. Now I'm wondering if I just convinced myself I didn't want to have kids because of my fertility issues. It would just be easier to not want to have them than it would be to go through, again, all the ups and downs and potential heartbreak of fertility treatments. Sure there is always the possibility that treatments will work and there will be no heartbreak, however my last go-round didn't turn out so well. So yeah, maybe I just convinced myself I didn't want kids so I didn't have to go through what I did the last time. I tried once, it didn't quite go as planned. I was devastated. Do I really want to put myself through that again?
Anyway, I always said I didn't want to have children. So many people told me when I met the right man I'd likely change my mind. No way. I either want children or I don't. I don't see how a guy could change that. Oh, it seems they may have been right.
And while I realize I'm not, technically, old with my fertility issues the older I get the more and more difficult it may be for me to conceive. And honestly, I'm in NO position right now to be having a baby. None. I barely have two cents to my name, I live in a house with 2 roommates. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt repayment. There is just no way. And I don't want to be someone who is having babies as she's approaching 40. My mother did it. It worked out for her. I just don't want to be in my late 30s. *If* I'm going to do it, its going to have to be over the next few years.
And I think this is why I'm having one of those could-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat days. I'm realizing I want to have a family. I'm realizing that for me to do that, naturally, means setting myself up for potential heartbreak again. It means pill popping and being poked and prodded by a doctor. Of course it would all be worth it in the end, if all works as it should. But I'm terrified I'm going to lose another one (which is why it was easier to just not want children).
So there you have it my friends: baby fever. I've got it. And I don't know what to do about it.
So after a great weekend at home with my parents and brothers, and my sister in-law and my niece, and the baby shower.....
I think I've got baby fever.
Yes, thats right.
And yes, this coming from the one who has said for the past few years she didn't want to have kids. I love kids, but just never felt the desire to have any of my own. Or so I thought. Now I'm wondering if I just convinced myself I didn't want to have kids because of my fertility issues. It would just be easier to not want to have them than it would be to go through, again, all the ups and downs and potential heartbreak of fertility treatments. Sure there is always the possibility that treatments will work and there will be no heartbreak, however my last go-round didn't turn out so well. So yeah, maybe I just convinced myself I didn't want kids so I didn't have to go through what I did the last time. I tried once, it didn't quite go as planned. I was devastated. Do I really want to put myself through that again?
Anyway, I always said I didn't want to have children. So many people told me when I met the right man I'd likely change my mind. No way. I either want children or I don't. I don't see how a guy could change that. Oh, it seems they may have been right.
And while I realize I'm not, technically, old with my fertility issues the older I get the more and more difficult it may be for me to conceive. And honestly, I'm in NO position right now to be having a baby. None. I barely have two cents to my name, I live in a house with 2 roommates. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt repayment. There is just no way. And I don't want to be someone who is having babies as she's approaching 40. My mother did it. It worked out for her. I just don't want to be in my late 30s. *If* I'm going to do it, its going to have to be over the next few years.
And I think this is why I'm having one of those could-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat days. I'm realizing I want to have a family. I'm realizing that for me to do that, naturally, means setting myself up for potential heartbreak again. It means pill popping and being poked and prodded by a doctor. Of course it would all be worth it in the end, if all works as it should. But I'm terrified I'm going to lose another one (which is why it was easier to just not want children).
So there you have it my friends: baby fever. I've got it. And I don't know what to do about it.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Staying put
So far my first week of vacation has been exhausting. Fun, but exhausting.
As of 3:01pm on Monday July 26 I was on vacation!
Tuesday morning, 6:55am my phone rings: "I'm on my way over"
"You're what?"
"Pick me up in an hour at the bus stop"
"ok"
The boy. He was coming over. I knew he was coming over, just not that early. He reasoning was he had to be to work at 12:00 so if he came over earlier that gave us more time. I like the way he thinks. We didn't do much beyond cuddle up in bed and attempt to go back to sleep. That didn't happen.
And then his phone rang.
"don't you dare answer it"
He didn't have to, we both knew who it was.
Work.
And our time got cut short. Instead of dumping him off at the bus stop I drove him over to work so at elast we'd have a few more minutes together. I wasn't happy. He knew I wasn't happy. However I understood. He, like me, would have felt guilty ignoring the phone knowing it was working needing him in early. So now he owes me for the lost time from Tuesday.
Tuesday afternoon I hit the highway for the northern end of the province. I was getting together with a friend I met when I was living in Alberta. A friend I hadn't seen since I moved back over 3 years ago. She's originally from NS as well. She's been home a few times, we just were never able to coordinate a get together.
It was fun. Her family is hilariously dysfunctional! They're good people, just a little crazy! We drove around, saw some sights (I had never been to that area before), hung out at the beach and consumed wine. Lots of it.
The next day I made my way back to the city. I was going to stay another night but I had too much stuff to get ready for the weekend that I decided it would be best for me to come back earlier. I spent two nights at home then I was on the road again.
This time to the southern end of the province to my parents' house.
I landed there early afternoon on Friday. Didn't do much of anything beyond sit by the pool.
Saturday morning was filled with running errands in prep for my sister in-law's baby shower that afternoon. There were balloons to pick up, a huge cake to collect and just random odds and ends to do.
By 2:00 the house was filled with shower goers. It was a good time. The games went over fairly well, though I still hate the darn things. Presents were open and much food was consumed. It was a good time.
We had a few stragglers hang behind after most had left in favor of hitting the pool. It was a good time. My 3 year old niece can swim like a fish. She's a little hesitant to get in at first, but once she's in there's no stopping her!
I was originally planning on coming home on Monday, however my little brother whined and wanted me to stay home and I found out a friend of mine was home from England visiting her parents so I stayed another night to appease him and to get to see her.
My time at home was fun: much wine and beer were consumed and much of momma's good food was eaten. I'm exhausted now. And am looking forward to staying put for the last 5 days of my vacation.
I stopped at ON on my way home when I hit the city: they had jeans on sale for $19 so had to go buy as many pairs as I could for my brother for back to school. And I bought myself a dress. A sun dress. The boy put in a request to see me in a dress so I had to go find something. I have one or two dresses hanging in my closet but they're not just-threw-this-on-before-I-ran-out-the-door dresses. Its cute. I like it. We'll see if I actually wear it.
As of 3:01pm on Monday July 26 I was on vacation!
Tuesday morning, 6:55am my phone rings: "I'm on my way over"
"You're what?"
"Pick me up in an hour at the bus stop"
"ok"
The boy. He was coming over. I knew he was coming over, just not that early. He reasoning was he had to be to work at 12:00 so if he came over earlier that gave us more time. I like the way he thinks. We didn't do much beyond cuddle up in bed and attempt to go back to sleep. That didn't happen.
And then his phone rang.
"don't you dare answer it"
He didn't have to, we both knew who it was.
Work.
And our time got cut short. Instead of dumping him off at the bus stop I drove him over to work so at elast we'd have a few more minutes together. I wasn't happy. He knew I wasn't happy. However I understood. He, like me, would have felt guilty ignoring the phone knowing it was working needing him in early. So now he owes me for the lost time from Tuesday.
Tuesday afternoon I hit the highway for the northern end of the province. I was getting together with a friend I met when I was living in Alberta. A friend I hadn't seen since I moved back over 3 years ago. She's originally from NS as well. She's been home a few times, we just were never able to coordinate a get together.
It was fun. Her family is hilariously dysfunctional! They're good people, just a little crazy! We drove around, saw some sights (I had never been to that area before), hung out at the beach and consumed wine. Lots of it.
The next day I made my way back to the city. I was going to stay another night but I had too much stuff to get ready for the weekend that I decided it would be best for me to come back earlier. I spent two nights at home then I was on the road again.
This time to the southern end of the province to my parents' house.
I landed there early afternoon on Friday. Didn't do much of anything beyond sit by the pool.
Saturday morning was filled with running errands in prep for my sister in-law's baby shower that afternoon. There were balloons to pick up, a huge cake to collect and just random odds and ends to do.
By 2:00 the house was filled with shower goers. It was a good time. The games went over fairly well, though I still hate the darn things. Presents were open and much food was consumed. It was a good time.
We had a few stragglers hang behind after most had left in favor of hitting the pool. It was a good time. My 3 year old niece can swim like a fish. She's a little hesitant to get in at first, but once she's in there's no stopping her!
I was originally planning on coming home on Monday, however my little brother whined and wanted me to stay home and I found out a friend of mine was home from England visiting her parents so I stayed another night to appease him and to get to see her.
My time at home was fun: much wine and beer were consumed and much of momma's good food was eaten. I'm exhausted now. And am looking forward to staying put for the last 5 days of my vacation.
I stopped at ON on my way home when I hit the city: they had jeans on sale for $19 so had to go buy as many pairs as I could for my brother for back to school. And I bought myself a dress. A sun dress. The boy put in a request to see me in a dress so I had to go find something. I have one or two dresses hanging in my closet but they're not just-threw-this-on-before-I-ran-out-the-door dresses. Its cute. I like it. We'll see if I actually wear it.
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