So long 2010....

....hello 2011!

This is the time of year where people start making resolutions and whatnot for the coming new year. Which is great, if that works for you. For me, resolutions don't work. Resolutions feel too absolute and rigid to me. Even calling them goals doesn't sit right with me. If it feels like something I HAVE to do, like a chore, I know myself well enough to know it won't work for me. I'm very much a "when I'm good and ready on my own time" kind of person. Yeah, I get that from my Dad - collectively we drive my mother crazy!

I want 2011 to not necessarily be a year of change but just a year of doing. Doing new things. Doing more. I'm a self proclaimed lazy-ass. While having some lazy time can be good I allow myself far too much of it. I have noticed I am happier when I'm busy. I had a few days about 2 weeks ago that were just non-stop busy, and while it was exhausting I felt great! I had done something (well, lots of somethings), been productive. So this coming year I just want to do more.

A few things that have popped to mind are....
-work more on my photography (I have volunteered to take some photos for a friend of mine and her bf)
-hike more
-hit the beach more than twice this summer
-get involved in some sort of volunteering (I'm currently researching options...leaning toward the SPCA)
-read more, and a different variety of books (yeah, this may also allow me to be a lazy-ass but I LOVE to read and would like to broaden my reading horizons)
-get back on a horse as much as possible. I rode competitively for years then had to let it go when I went off to college. Anyway, the last time I was on was a year and a half ago, and it ended with me being launched to the ground, so I haven't been on since.
-watch more documentaries (yeah, again with the being lazy, but if I'm going to veg I might as well learn something)

I'm sure I'll dream up more to add to the list, these are just the ones that I've been thinking about lately.

And maybe 2011 will find me in a relationship....who knows. I've been talking to a guy, so we'll see what happens......we dated a bit 2 years ago, it didn't work out at that time (I don't think I was quite ready at that point), but we've kept in regular contact ever since. He brought up last week that we've kept in touch ever since so what would going for a cup of coffee hurt. And he's got a point. Of the few people I've met and gone out with I don't keep in touch with any of them, but him. So we'll see what happens.

In any case, I hope 2011 brings you all nothing but great and wonderful things!
Cheers!

'Tis the season

Ok, so I went to my staff Christmas party last year, which normally would have meant I would work in this year so the other supervisor could go. Fine. I expected that. Turns out our manager is being made to work so we can both go. Yay! (I think I really like our new head manager!)

So I get off at 3:00 on the day of the party. Not ideal, but whatever. At least I have the evening off to go. And I don't have to be to work until 3:00 the following day. And a friend of mine rearranged her schedule to come as my guest. I bought a fun new dress, we're both looking forward to getting girlied up and going. We even decided to book a hotel room to make a full night of it.

Then there is my Christmas schedule, which blows chunks if you ask me.
Last year I worked to 11pm on Christmas Eve and 7am-3pm on Christmas day. Gross. I got off at 3:00 and made the 2.5hr drive to my aunt's house for family dinner, spent the night with my parents, drove back Boxing Day morning to work at 3:00 that afternoon. Not ideal and a crazy rushed couple of days but at least I got to go home and see everyone.

So given what I worked last year this year I should have Christmas Eve night off and Christmas Day morning off. But no. For some reason my boss has decided to screw me completely out of Christmas. I have the same schedule as last year, only on Boxing Day I have to be to work at 7am. So if you do the math I don't get to go home. At all. Fanfuckingtastic.

My mother is upset I won't be home.
My littlest brother is upset.
My other brother is pissed as is SIL.
My grandmother isn't pleased.
My aunt is ticked as well.

So, I asked the other supervisor if he'd switch shifts with me for Boxing Day, you know, since I get no family time this year and because he has the shifts I should have had. He said he didn't think it would be a probled m but to leave it with him as he had to run it by his fiancee first.

Now, the night of the party he also has off but has to work at 7:00 the following morning. So I get an email from him tonight saying he is using my wanting the switch on Boxing Day as leverage to get me to work the morning shift for him after the party.

Seriously?

I already have things planned out for that night and the following morning. And the fact that he called it leverage pissed me off.

I sent him back and email...I'm just foggy on the details of what I wrote to him at this point. The gist is I can't switch the morning for him because I have things planned and coordinated as does my friend who is coming with me (transportation etc etc).

He openly admits he doesn't celebrate Christmas. I'm not asking him to give me the shifts I should have been given, I'm simply asking him to switch Boxing day. He knows Christmas is important to me, especially now with this being my niece's first Christmas.

I'm pissed that my boss didn't think enough to make sure everyone got some time off over Christmas. Every single time my boss has called me to come in last minute I've gone. I've called in sick only 3 times over the past 2+ years. Stay late? Sure. Come in early? Sure. Do his dirty work, yeah I do it. What do I get? A kick in the ass. Every other weekend I have to work until 11pm on Friday night then at 7am on Saturday. Not the other supervisor. He doesn't get any back-to-back shifts. I rarely ask for anything. I get all the shit stuff and then get a swift kick in the pants for it.

I'm pissed that whether or not I get a Christmas this year rests in the hands of two uncaring assholes.

Hopefully there will be some good movies on Christmas day evening, I'll need something to occupy myself since the house will be empty besides me.

Why do I do this to myself?

This time of year things are so busy as it is, why, oh why, do we feel the need to add more to our plates (literally and figuritively)?

I've still got Christmas shopping to do.
Tuesday dress shopping (for me) with a friend. Then dinner and a movie with the roomies.
Am making a trip over to my brother's this week to babysit the kiddlets.
Saturday morning my friend has enlisted me to take photos for her while she runs a race.
This weekend my mother and some of her friends are going to be in the city for a couple of days - so at some point along the way I'm going to have to entertain them some how.
I'll have to make another trip home to drop of Christmas gifts to everyone.
Another trip to my brother's to drop off gifts there.
Have to get in some time with a friend before Christmas.

Add to all that working full time.

Oh, and a list of baking that will take me forever to get through. I can cook, no problem. Baking is a slow tedious process for me.

My baking list: (speaking of adding things to our plates......)

Sugar cookies - thank goodness for my grandmother's recipe. Its pretty hard to screw up, unlike the recipe I was using before.
Truffles - while delicious are a long tedious process. I only make them every year because dad LOVES them.
Fudge - two batches. While easy to make takes a while to set in the fridge.
Chocolate bark - this will be my first attempt at making it. It seems easy enough though.
Cupcakes - no idea how many of these I'll end up making. They're mostly to take to work to share the love.

I'm also toying with the idea of making gingerbread men. However I don't have on hand all the stuff to make them and don't really want to have to go get it all just for one batch of cookies. I have the stuff to make everything else though. I have fun Christmas cookie cutters to use this year, so at least the cookies I do make won't be just plain 'ol cookies!

Most of this is going to have to take place on my days off, and if I look at a calendar I only have 8 days off before Christmas - and with trips to opposite ends of the province planned I have no idea when all this is going to happen!

At least my Christmas cards are done and just need to be mailed now. At least one thing is done.

AAAAAHHHHHHH.........

Bah Humbug

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm actually excited for Christmas this year! I just like to think I'm not excited for it. You know, gotta maintain that crusty exterior I've worked so hard at! lol

(I'm NOT excited about my work schedule, but thats a whole other post for a whole other time)



Here we are a month out from Christmas. I've made my list, checked it twice, and am slowly crossing stuff off it as I get gifts bought.



And decorations. I want to decorate. Now. RIGHT NOW. If I were living on my own I'd probably be in the process of decorating already. However as I have roomies I will hold off awhile longer.

My one and only gripe (ok, counting my work schedule...two gripes) is the amount of money this is costing me. Good grief. Yeah, ok I admit to spoiling the nieces. They're the youngest in the family and, well, it IS Christmas and they are kids so its only right they get spoiled if you ask me. My 17 year old brother has expensive taste. Someone needs to knock that child down a peg or two. Thankfully I was able to get him a couple of tee shirts from a store he likes that were on BIG sale. Then he tells me he wants a PS3 game, at $80 a pop. Um, no. My list of people to buy for is getting longer and longer. Its a bit crazy. I thought I had my list finalized then remembered the secret Santa thing at work and one other person popped up as someone I needed to buy for. Its one lengthly list at this point.

I'm excited to get going on my Christmas cards. I'm excited to go find a new tree ornament (I usually get one or two new ornaments for myself every year). I already bought a too cute snowman decoration for the house (I have a snowman fetish, I freely admit it). The front door is just begging for a wreath of some sort (these are the times I wish I was crafty). And I'm hoping I can convince the roomie to let me put up lights in the front window this year.

I think my excitement this year is coming from my nieces. Yeah, one of them is far too young to even kind of understand but still its fun at Christmas with little ones around. Whether or not I'll get to actually see them over Christmas is another thing. I'll get to see them at some point, I'm sure. I'm not too worried.

Oh, how I've missed you

I was a week and a half without my computer. For someone who depends on the internet for entertainment, paying bills and a slew of other things, a week and a half was plenty long. I'm glad to have my pain-in-the-ass computer back. (just not glad to have had to spend $300+ to get it back)

Lesson learned: BACK YOUR SHIT UP!

Ugh.

Not that I had anything all that important on my computer, just photos and music for the most part, but its all gone. GONE. Thankfully I had most of my photos either on Facebook or in Photobucket, but there are a few that are gone, never to be recovered again. Music has mostly been put onto my MP3 already so thats not a huge concern. Its more my photos I'm worried about.

However, my computer died without warning last Thursday (which is why nothing got backed up). Used it Wednesday night, it was fine. Thursday morning = dead. The diagnosis: hard drive failure. FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Off to Geek Squad it went. $200 in labour and $100 for a new hard driver later, I have my computer back. Now I'm in the midst of reinstalling MSN, redownloading my Spyware program and my antivirus stuff. I no longer have the link to the board (if someone could send me a link to my Facebook inbox, I'd appreciate it!), all my "favorites" are gone. Blah.

Oh well, at least my computer is back up and running and will hopefully remain that way forever more.

That pesky number

So, I jumped on the scale last night. Ugh. Why do I do such things to myself?

One of my roomies and I were talking about weight and diet and all that jazz last night. She was sayin her normal weight is usually around 128lbs. *le sigh* Then I had the horrifying realization that I am damn near 100lbs more than her. Good lord.

How did this happen? How have I gained 65lbs over the past 11 years?

Now, in fairness I just got on the scale again. I wanted to see if there was a difference between last night's number and the number I got first thing in the morning. And there was a difference. A 5lb difference! The last time I weighed myself was when I was on vacation. I jumped on the scale one morning before breakfast - that number was horrifying. Suffice it to say I'm down from that number. So I am losing, which is a good thing. I just wish it would go a little faster. But I'm at about an 8lb loss overall. Mind you it has taken me 3 months to lose that 8lbs. Now if I could just get rid of about 18lbs I'll be out of the 200s. You have no idea how happy it will make me to see the 100s again. Then from there about another 30lbs to get back down to a reasonable weight.

While I don't like the number on the scale right now at least the number is changing in the right direction. If I could just figure out how to stick with it, I'd be all set.

A rekindled friendship....maybe.

K and I met when I lived in Alberta. He and I worked together at a resort. He being who he is not everyone gets along well with him. But for some reason I gave him a chance. We became good friends quickly. Eventually he quit working at the resort as did I.

For lack of a better way of describing him: he's an asshole.

He thinks he's just being honest and saying things that everyone else is afraid to say. Um, no. You're a jerk. And you're hurtful. And most of the rest of us don't say the things you do because its horribly inappropriate.

We remained friends throughout the rest of my time in Alberta. He drove me to the airport the morning I moved back home. We kept in touch sporadically over the next few months then that drifted off. He started dating my friend/roomie/former coworker B after I left Alberta. A few months later they both came here to visit for a week. Once they went back to Alberta I didn't hear from them. I tried several times but never had any luck and eventually gave up trying.

Almost 2 years later he moves here (he is originally from here) when he gets a new job. The plan was for her to follow up a month or two later. He started calling me wanting to get together. It never panned out for two reasons: #1) his hobby of choice is drinking, #2) his timing wasn't always the greatest wanting to get together on days I had to work. So because us getting together never happened he just dropped off the face of the earth. A few weeks later i sent him an email asking where he went and what was up. He sent me back a reply saying something to the effect of: friends talk to friends and want to do things with them, they don't avoid and bail on them. I replied with: And now you know how I felt all that time I never heard a word from you for almost 2 years.

Fast forward to a month ago. He readds me to Facebook. I accepted his friend request, but we never really chatted or anything. Yesterday he messaged me and asked if i want to go grab a beer with him that afternoon. I asked him if today would be an option instead, this way I'd have a day to ponder if I really wanted to reconnect with him. We ended up going for a beer this afternoon where he told me about the drama with B and their breakup, and I told him about my shinanigans with P.

He hasn't changed a bit: he's still an asshole. Only now he admits he's an ass.

So now I'm wondering how much I really want friendship with him again. Yes he's difficult and he's a jerk but he's also the type of person if I called him for something I know without a doubt he'd be there. If I were stuck or needed help he'd be there. I can't say I missed dealing with him over the past year. It was nice to not have to put up with his crap and listen to him spew vile negativity. And now I'm torn. Try to rekindle a friendship or let it go again?

*****

On another note.......

I've been following the rescue cover of the miners in Chile. I have to say its nice to finally see some positive news coverage. There's so much negativity out there its refreshing to see something happy on the news.

Every time I see some of the coverage it gives me chills. I can't even imagine what they and their families have been going through and the relief they must be feeling now.

From half a world away: WELCOME HOME!!!

Bliss

I'm so completely, totally in love with this little girl. I just want to squish her chubby little cheeks.

She seems to have her father (my brother) wrapped around her chubby little finger already. He's quite in love with her.

We're pretty sure she's a keeper!

Introducing......

the little girl who has stolen my heart....and I haven't even met her yet!

SHE'S GOING TO BE HERE SOON!

My little brother called me this morning at 6:30 saying he and his gf were at the hospital. She's in labour so baby will be here soon / sometime today! I'M SO EXCITED!!!

My little brother is going to be a daddy!! Slightly frightening, but I'm so proud of him!

And I'm going to be an AUNTIE!! I'm going to be world's best auntie! Can't wait for the spoiling to start! I adore SIL's little girl (who will be 4 in a week and a half), I consider her to be my niece so I guess technically I already am an auntie, but the new baby will be my first official niece.

Its taking everything I have not to call him every 15mins for updates! He said he'd let me know as soon as Miss McKenna makes her grand entrance. I'm trying to be patient but its just so hard!

On to other news:

I need to go shopping. My pants don't fit me anymore. They're all falling off my butt. Which I suppose is a good thing!

I bought a pair of size 16 dress pants back in July just before I went on vacation. At that point they fit pretty well (down from a size 18!). Now they're falling off me. Like the kind of falling off where I'm constantly pulling them up. I bought a pair of jeans a few months ago as well that were a bit snug when I bought them, then eventually they fit me just right. Now, they're big. I get that jeans stretch but these bad boys are too big when they stretch out. I bought a new top the other day. Size: L! Down from XL! It is a teeny bit snug but not too bad. XL would definitely have been too big.

When I started working at my job I was given 2 uniform shirts, 2 vests, a pair of pants and a skirt. I haven't been able to wear the skirt, it was too small. And because its so highwaisted it came far too short on me. I tried it on this morning IT FITS!! I'm not a huge skirt/dress fan, but when I wear the same black pants and green shirt to work everyday it'll be nice to have something to change it up a bit.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but something must be right!

You're a class A jerk

I hope karma bites you in the ass when you least expect it to.

I've thought of ways I could "get" you, but realize its not worth my time and energy. I know karma will look after that for me. And really, I'm a bigger person than that.

Forget the fact that you played my emotions like a violin, how about putting my health at risk? You were with me and her at the same time. Were there others? My emotions were, and have, healed, my physical health isn't quite as easily put back together. Gee, thanks for putting me, unknowingly, into that situation. You're a super star.

All those weekends at the cabin with the guys? Yeah, thanks for lying to me about that too. You were feeding me that line to keep me quiet so you could be with her and me not bother you, therefore busting your sorry ass. And silly me I believed you. But don't worry, I've figured out your little game. And the game stops here buddy.

THANK GOODNESS I'm not pregnant (yeah, had a wee bit of a scare complete with a battery of pregnacy symptoms). Ya know, I decided I'd be OK to be a single parent, because I know you wouldn't be there because of her - admitting you were having a child with another woman would have outted your little game. I also decided that I'd see your ass in court. It took two to tango. However, thankfully only one line appeared on that magic little stick, so I don't have to worry about having to deal with you ever again. It was dealing with your bullshit that worried me more than having a child.


So to you I bid farewell. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You don't get a third chance. I'm done. I'm out. And I'm OK!

Boots

I want a pair. Badly.

A few years back I scored myself a pair of fabulous boots. My friends dubbed them my sexy boots. They had a square toe, were an odd burgundy color (which, even more oddly, I liked), came to just above my ankles. Had a square heel that was just high enough without being break-neck high. And they were comfortable. I could wear them for a day out shopping or for a long night of dancing and still be able to feel my feet at the end.

And then my sexy boots died. I wore those boots until I could wear them no more.

Then the search for new sexy boots started. I searched and tried on but none of them were quite right.

And then I found them. Simple dark brown boots, with a modest embellishment at the top of the boot, pointy-ish toe (not uber pointy, but not round either) and again heels that were just the right height, though these heels were more narrow than I was used to. These boots too were comfortable for long wear times.

These boots still have life left in them. They do not yet need replacing. They do, however, need a sibling.

This time I want tall boots. I want boots that come to the knee. I also want them to fit both in the foot and calf. I need wide-calf boots. I also need a wider foot size as well. Regular sizes are just a smidge too tight.

I ordered a pair last year that I really liked. I paid more for them than I wanted to but I found a pair online that I liked. I was excited when they finally arrived. I ran home, ripped the box open and tried them on.

Oh the disappointment. Calf size was perfect, shockingly. The foot size, however, not so much. I even ordered a foot size half a size larger than I normally take. And it was WAY too tight. I double checked my order and I did in fact order a wide foot width. I checked the boots, up they said they're wide as well. However, apparently not wide enough. So back they went.

And my search continues.

A friend of mine posted these on Facebook, and I love them:

YUMMY BOOTS

Issue #1: a 15" calf will NOT fit me
Issue #2: the foot sizes won't fit me either

But I love them. They are very much along the lines of what I am looking for. I've checked Aldo, The Shoe Warehhouse, Zappos....and haven't found anything yet that I really like.

Ugh. Like clothing manufacturers, why is it so hard for the shoe people to translate "regular" sizes into sizes appropriate for us curvalicious ladies? And why are they so damn hard to find?

My search will continue. I will find them........eventually.

Liars

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows I don't do well with being lied to. And whatever you do do not accuse me of being a liar.

I suspect I've been lied to. And not just a small, little white-lie. I can usually let those ones go. But I have a sneaking suspicion I've been LIED to about something with a fair bit of importance.

I have it under good authority that this person lied to me because they thought they were doing me a favor. And at the time (when I thought they were telling me the truth) I thought they had done me a favor. And now, I'm not so sure that is actually the case. They may have just made things for me far more complicated than they really needed to be.

I made the list...

...and probably even checked it twice.

You see it over there to the right side of my blog. Yeah, that list. The list of the few things I wanted to do this summer. Notice how only one of them is checked off? Oh, you do see that too. So it wasn't just me imagining it.

-Get my first massage - DONE
-Tour Grand Pre winery
-Visit and photograph some of Nova Scotia's waterfalls
-Go camping at least once
-Hike the Skyline Trail
-Hike the Seaside Adjunct
-HIke Duncan's Cove again

While I realize there is still a fair bit of summer left, I've only got one thing crossed off my list.

I know hiking the Skyline Trail isn't going to happen since it is at the other end of the province and would require me taking at least 3 days off work to make the trip up there worth it. Which is OK. While I wanted to do it, I knew going in that there was a chance that I wouldn't get it done. There's always next year.

Everything else I had really wanted to do. And yet somehow they still remain undone. And for what reason? It seems I'm a lazy ass. On my days off I just want to veg and relax. And I don't like doing things alone. I was having a stressful week back before I went on vacay and P suggested I go to the beach. I told him I had no one to go with, and he told me to go alone. Alone? Well, ok. I've got my mP3 player and a book, I could do this. So off I went. EPIC FAILURE. I felt so out of place there by myself. What was supposed to have been a relaxing few hours turned into an anxious 30mins. I don't relax well on a good day, never mind when in a situation i don't REALLY want to be in.

And I'll be honest and say I got swept up in the whirlwind that was (/is) P. While I didn't purposely neglect some of the things I wanted to do, they did sort of get pushed to the back burner. I knew they were there, and I was hoping maybe he'd so some of them with me along the way.

Anyway...on to other news....

The union people had another vote on Friday. This time the offer was accepted which means there will be NO STRIKE at work! Thank goodness!! That was definitely a source of major stress in my life. And I seemed to be one of only a few who were actually concerned for how a dozen of us were going to run a 200 room hotel.

This past week has been a hellish nightmare at work. The housekeepers, thinking there was going to be a strike, flucked off and weren't doing their jobs. Us at the desk were constantly checking people into rooms we thought were clean (and were entered as clean in the computer) only to find out they hadn't been so much as touched. It was just a disaster. It was rumoured that a few of the housekeepers were doing it on purpose to give us at the desk a taste of what it would be like if/when the strike took place. You know, so we'd know what we were getting ourselves into. Now that there isn't going to be a strike most of the housekeepers are in a blind panic because they know now that they screwed up. Strike or not, you still have a job to do up to the time you walk out. We know what rooms were coded as clean when they weren't and we'll be able to find out which roomkeeper was responsible for that section. Oh, don't you worry, we know who you are. And thank you so much for making our lives miserable for the past week.

The kick in the ass: they're all whining and complaining that they don't make enough money, they deserve more...blah blah blah. Do you really think after the way you've conducted yourselves over the past few weeks that you really deserve it? You cost the hotel more money and made us at the desk miserable (to the point that a few of us had to be talked out of just walking out). So you're fighting for more money, when going by your actions recently you don't deserve it, and we at the desk who are left to pick up the pieces won't get jack-shit (because we're not in the union). And honestly, I do think we ALL deserve a wage increase, just some of us more than others IMVHO. But c'mon people we need to remember the basics of our jobs: we're there to work together and to look after the guests. Thats it. Morale in that place has been waaaay down lately, and now its even worse. And with the housekeepers now all fighting amongst themselves (half of them wanted to strike half of them didn't....which lead to a departmental battle ground) the vibe in there isn't all that great.

And one more work related ramble here: two of our night guys are going to be doing a couple of day shifts here and there which excites me to no end! I can count on one hand the number of weekends I've had off since I started working there 2 years ago. The answer: 3. My manager works M-F/9-5, D and myself are the two supervisors, so we have to be there on the weekends to fill the manager on duty shifts. So that means we don't get weekends off, ever, unless we're on vacation. So now with the night guys coming to days, and them being able to fill the MOD stuff, D and I are able to get the occasional weekend off! You have no idea how much this excites me! Weekends off mean I can take weekend road trips (yes, I know, N...M'ton....it'll happen! I just need to find the time!), and see my brother SIL and nieces. It means *gasp* I can have something that resembles a social life!!! It means my schedule won't be completely backwards from the rest of the worlds. I may actually have time off at the same time that everyone else does! I'll take "what are things that make me happy for $400 please Alex!".

The universe has a funny sense of humour

When I said "when one door closes, another opens" in my last blog post, this wasn't quite what I was thinking was going to be behind door #2.

Thanks, Universe, for making my life seem like a bad soap opera. And for making my clear head a foggy, jumbled mess again.

Thats all I'll say about that for now. There will be more, eventually.

When one door closes....

...another will open. Right?

Closure. FINALLY.

After a week of being on a crazy emotional roller coaster, crying, wondering what the hell happened to make him just drop off the face of the earth. As you are all aware I was having a hard time moving forward. I know eventually I would have moved on, but it is SO hard when you don't have answers, and it makes the process exponentially longer.

And now I know. Now I know it has NOTHING to do with me, and has EVERYTHING to do with him. I know its nothing I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say.

Yes I fell head over heels for him. I fell big time. I took my wall down, let him in and was swept away. And then he hurt me. And while I don't expect anyone to understand, I really don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the situation and that it happened. I do truly hope his new job works out and he gets his health stuff sorted out. I really do.

I have just learned over the past few years that somethings just aren't worth getting all out of sorts over. Being angry and bitter aren't going to do me any good. Infact they'll only make me feel worse. I know it would make sense for me to be angry and want to give him cement shoes and send him for a swim in the harbour!

The best part: he has no idea that I know. So there is a chance once the dust settles that he'll try again. And I'll cross that bridge if/when it comes. My roomie and I were joking last night about all the ways we could "get him": track her down and enlighten her to the situation to.....well, you name it we thought of it! However, I don't really want to stir up and get myself mixed up in any more drama. I've met her a few times, she knows where I work, so if she put two and two together it wouldn't take much for her to figure out how to find me.

But really, I am OK. I really am. I didn't once check my phone yesterday for a missed text. When the phone rang I didn't get the pang of excitement hoping it was him. I got up this morning, made my coffee and realized I really am OK. I know now that its done and he's gone. And its OK.

And better I find this out now than 6 months or 3 years down the road.

So there ya go: onwards and upwards!

Footprints

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

A year ago today my Gramma passed away. Its hard to believe its been a year already. I still miss her terribly like it was yesterday.

Footprints in the Sand was her favorite poem. So this is for her.

xo

One step forward....

...two leaps back.

I had a good day yesterday, despite my craptastic week. Great food, surprises from friends, it was quite nice, actually. And actually the few days before my birthday I was feeling Ok too. I wasn't great, by any stretch, but I wasn't a sobbing mess either.

Today: back to a sobbing mess. Ok, maybe not quite a mess, but I've been fighting tears all morning.

Why is this so hard to deal with? We weren't even an official couple. We had only started talking 2 months ago, and really "seeing eachother" not quite 6 weeks ago. It hasn't been that long. Why am I finding it so hard to let go and move on.

When I was talking to N this morning I said something to the effect that the hopeful part of me and the logical part of me aren't agreeing at the moment. The hopeful part of me still thinks there is a chance, that I'll hear from him, we'll talk it out and we'll go forward together. However, the logical part of me knows that is quite unlikely. But WHY?!

There must be something in the air right now:
two girls I work with (J & K) are having issues with the guys they were/are seeing, my roomie's friend is having man issues, and my friend S is having issues with her bf too. WTH?

The difference between all them and me? Their guys are still talking to them. They can have conversations about what is bothering them, and get some sort of answers. I can't. I'm left to sit here and guess and wonder. And being a girl as I am I am left wondering what the hell it is I did that made him turn around and run. (I know, I know....it isn't anything I did or didn't do......but let's be honest, as women, when going through stuff like this, we all wonder it)

(dammit....the flood gates have opened again......gone in search of tissues...........)

Ok....back.....

And let me tell you: it is taking every fibre of my being to not text him. EVERY. FIBRE. Today is his first day at his new job. I so badly want to send a "I hope you have a great first day" text. The hopeful part of me would hope he'd respond, say he had a great first day, ask how my day was and all that jazz. The logical part knows he'll see it and not likely respond.

I spend my time willing the phone to ring. And when it does ring for a fleeting moment I am excited and hopeful that its him. And then its not, and I'm again saddened. I used to carry my cell everywhere with me, so i wouldn't miss a text from him: kept it in my pocket at work on vibrate so I'd know when I got a message, slept with it under my pillow so I would hear the buzzing when my "good morning beautiful" text would come in, just incase I was still sleeping when he sent it. I loved getting his messages, and having him call me beautiful and his queen. I've never heard the words "you're so beautiful" from a guy before. I so thought this time it was going to be different.

Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't deserve me, I deserve better, his loss.........I just don't see it that way. At least not yet. I've never felt the urge quite so strongly before to fight for someone. He was it. I saw us old and grey down the road. I've never had those thoughts with anyone before. His hugs were perfect, they fit me like a glove. His kisses were sweet, and passionate. I miss them. I miss them terribly. And I miss the person they came from even more.

:(

The Wall

I've got one. I know a lot of women out there have one, for whatever reason. It goes up far easier than it comes down. And once its up it often stays there for extended periods of time.

My wall very very rarely comes down, mainly because I don't let it. As convoluted as it may be it is just easier to keep it up, not let people in and not have them hurt me somewhere along the way. And let's be honest here, by "them" I mainly mean men. I've been bit far more than I've not been bit. Yeah yeah, thats the risk I have to take: let the wall down and take a chance.

My wall is back up. I let it down, fell and fell hard then got kicked in the gut. Its up and its staying there for awhile. It was fun while it was down. I was happier. However, for now I'm willing to sacrifice that extra bit of happiness for the safety that comes with being behind my wall.

I'm now off to Walmart for a supply of chocolate to take to work with me. The girl I'm working with is going through a bit of the same thing I am. We're going to need some of the bad-for-us goodness!

Keeping the kleenex people in business

Because I can't stop crying.

Twice so far today I've spontaneously burst into tears.

I've been a stress-ball lately. I'm aware of this. This work situation has really got me freaked out. I've been assured by the powers that be that I don't have to worry about not having a job to come to. Head office has already advised they will not be shutting us down, which is a bit of a relief. Its just going to be rough and its going to suck a lot if/when 95% of our staff walk out on Friday. So to say I'm stressed and anxious is an understatement.

And P. I don't know whats going on with him/us. I know I need to talk to him, but that would be so much easier if I was able to get ahold of him. He went away, again, on Saturday and didn't get back until this morning at some point. I assume now he's at work since he was scheduled today, tomorrow being his last day. He starts his new job on Monday.

I just don't know. I like him. A lot. He knows this, I've told him. Things seem to have gotten weird ever since I went away on vacation. He and I hung out that Tuesday morning, then I went away, I came back and he went away, then last week I went back to work, he's been away the past 3 weekends. I tried to steal him for a few mins on Saturday at work, but that didn't happen. He left early to go away again. When he left he told me he'd see me when he got back. (usually he says "I'll talk to you when I get back". To me there is a difference between "see you" and "talk to you" but who knows if the male brain sees the difference). I shot him a text a few hours ago to say hi and to see if he's feeling any better (he was still quite sick on Saturday when he left). He hasn't responded. Now, if he may be at work and busy so can't. Fair enough.

I just think my patience are running out. I like him. I really really do. And I want it to work. However, I don't know what to do. I suppose there isn't anything I can do. The only thing I can do right now is sit here, feel bad for myself, wonder when it'll be my turn to meet someone and be happy.......and cry. I sure can cry. I'm not sure I can make it stop.

This is what happens when I open myself up, let someone in. Vulnerability and I don't do well together - it only means I'm going to get sucker punched.

Birthday Blues

Yeah, more whining about my bday. But this time its not about my turning 30 and the strong possibility I'll be spending my bday solo.

For those that don't know: I'm adopted (as is one of my brothers). So every year when my bday rolls around I kinda get conflicting feelings. I start to wonder.

Its this time of year when I wonder if they think of me at all, or am I just some distant memory. I know they do likely think of me, however thats where the conflicting feelings come in: do they or don't they? What do they look like? Do I have any siblings out there somewhere? Aunts and uncles?

My parents are my parents. I love them dearly. Without them who knows where I could have ended up. They're mom and dad and will always and forever be mom and dad. No one could ever possibly replace them, nor do i want anyone to ever replace them.

And honestly I have very little interest in actually meeting my biological family. I just often wonder who I look more like, stuff like that. And its usually this time of year when I start to really wonder about it. I'm sure somewhere out there are people wondering the same things about me. Most of the rest of the year I don't even think about it, unless it comes up in conversation: one of the guys at work is adopted as well, and people sometimes ask us questions about it, which is fine. Generally its a non issue, until just before my birthday.

I don't regret my life at all and don't wish it changed in anyway. My parents provided me with love, a safe home and a wonderful childhood. Couldn't possibly have asked for more.

working against me

Thats how I feel today.

I feel like everything and everyone is working against me today.

My mother and I have been doing a lot of arguing lately. About everything. She often brings up points that we have discussed MANY times in the past, yet she doesn't remember the details which makes me feel like she doesn't listen to me. She may hear me, but she isn't really listening to me. Or she'll mention something in conversation and I'll be like "um, what? you didn't tell me that" and of couse she'll insist she did. And most of the time its sorta major stuff that I know I would have remembered had she told me. There have also been times she hasn't told me things at all, not even in passing. Ex:

Just after my ex and I split a friend of mine passed away. I found out a month later from a mutual friend: "why weren't you at D's funeral? I could really have used you there.". Um, D's what? I had no idea. So I called mom and asked her what had happened. She rationalized not telling me about a friend's passing because she figured I had enough to deal with after leaving my ex. Ugh!

See, stuff like that. It frustrates the hell out of me.

Yeah, I majorly feel like she doesn't listen to me. And I don't trust her to keep what I tell her between us. Too many times in the past I've told her things and she's turned around and told her friends and eventually it has gotten back around to me. Gee, thanks mom. You know those words "just between you and I", yeah, I really mean that when I say it.

We've talked a couple times since our last argument and its strained. Trying to talk to her about how I'm feeling will be a fruitless effort. Trust me. I've tried. It gets me no where and only leads to another fight.

And I've got a ton on the brain lately and feel like I've got no one to talk to about it. My roomie is still in Van. she was supposed to be home this week but decided to put it off until early September. My other good friend S is away in Labrado working until early September. My new roomie and I talk but I don't know her well enough yet to really feel like I can talk to her about certain things. I do have a few fantastic online friends (thanks - you know who you are!) but its just not quite the same as having face-to-face girl talk, ya know?

I'm stressed over this work situation. I'm stressed and frustrated over this stuff with my mother. I've cut ties with certain family members a few months ago which is causing some tension. My father, while he doesn't like it, understands. My mother insists I make amends with them. Its fine and dandy for her to say that, however she lives 2hrs away and only sees them a handful of times a year. I live 10mins away. Visiting with them is painful. And draining. There's also family drama surrounding the familial cottage: dad and his 2 brothers have joint ownership of it. One brother doesn't use it but happily pays his share of the taxes every year. Another brother uses it but wants to make all these changes to it that are going to be costly, and since everyone else disagrees he wants to sell it. I love that place and will be pissed and devastated if it gets sold. Dad assures me he won't let that happen.

Myself and one of my brothers are adopted. I recently found out my brother got some of his non-identifying info. He learned a lot about the circumstances surrounding his adoption. So I've got that on the brain and have been thinking about finding my info. However I'm too chicken to ask my parents about this because of the issues I have communicating with my mother.

I just feel stuck and super frustrated.

Quit comparing me to you!

This is coming from a place of frustration and lack of sleep (stupid thunder storm). And yes, it is boy related. And not directed at any one person...just a general vent.

Please, for the love of whoever: stop comparing me to you!

Just because your relationship(s) started off with the two of you spending countless hours together, doing things together, hours spent on the phone with eachother, does not mean that because I'm not getting those things that the boy and I are doomed.

You're right, it has been 2 weeks since I last saw him. However, let me explain:
I saw him on the first day of my vacation, we hung out that morning. I dropped him off at work then I was on my way to hit the highway to go away for a few days. I landed back at home for one night then I was off on the highway again for another few nights away. In total I was gone for 8 days. And the day I landed back in the city he was gone for the remainder of the week with his friends in another province. Explain to me how we were supposed to get together when I was either at one end of the province or the other and not in the city near him, and then he was in another province all together? Logistically it just wasn't possible.

And I do realize not everyone would be quite as patient as I have been thus far. I realize many girls by now would have demanded more time or thrown in the towel already. I am very much aware of that. However, there is more to the situation than I can give detail in a blog post - he's got shit going on in his life: he's got a brother being shipped off to Afghanistan in the near future, his parents are older so he's involved with them, he's got health issues going on that the doctors can't put their finger on, he was miserable at work and was actively looking for new employment and finally found something worth going to.....and there's more, it would just take me far too long to type out all the details for you.

Do I believe him when he tells me he's got a crapload on his plate? I do.
Do I think there's another woman? No. I don't. I've been down that road before, I know what it looks like and feels like. And I'm pretty in tune with my gut. When it tells me something isn't right, it usually means something isn't right. My gut hasn't kicked in.
Do I think I'm settling just because he's the first decent guy that has come along in quite awhile? No. I don't. I also know what settling feels like. This isn't it.


I just wish more people would realize that there is more than one way to get to a happy ending. So there may be a few bumps along the road in the beginning. Does that mean I should just turn around and give up and forego a potential life time of happiness and bliss?

Do I expect everyone to understand? No.

Do I wish you all could meet him so you'd get to know HIM? I do. I really really do. I've never felt so comfortable, safe and happy with a man before. When we are together he makes me feel like a queen. He tells me I'm beautiful (something I've never heard from a guy before...ever.), and he tells me he likes me just as I am and to not ever change. When we first started talking he told me to just be me, nothing more, nothing less.

We've talked about the lack of time we have together, and he understands that I want to see him more and it not involve being at work. He has assured me I will get more of his time very soon. He's just burning the candle at both ends right now. I get it. I would like to think if it were me with all this stuff going on he'd be patient with me as well.

I've always been one to do things my way, which is often not the way most everyone else would. And ya know what, thats OK. Thats part of what makes me, me. I am an almost 30 year old woman. I can stand on my own two feet and make my own choices.

So please, unless you're in my shoes (or have been in similar shoes) please don't judge me or compare me to how things went in your relationship. These are my shoes to walk in. If my shoes start telling me its time to turn back, I will follow them. However, I like the path they're on and want to see where they take me.

Ok, I'll admit it......

Oh geeze.

So after a great weekend at home with my parents and brothers, and my sister in-law and my niece, and the baby shower.....

I think I've got baby fever.

Yes, thats right.

And yes, this coming from the one who has said for the past few years she didn't want to have kids. I love kids, but just never felt the desire to have any of my own. Or so I thought. Now I'm wondering if I just convinced myself I didn't want to have kids because of my fertility issues. It would just be easier to not want to have them than it would be to go through, again, all the ups and downs and potential heartbreak of fertility treatments. Sure there is always the possibility that treatments will work and there will be no heartbreak, however my last go-round didn't turn out so well. So yeah, maybe I just convinced myself I didn't want kids so I didn't have to go through what I did the last time. I tried once, it didn't quite go as planned. I was devastated. Do I really want to put myself through that again?

Anyway, I always said I didn't want to have children. So many people told me when I met the right man I'd likely change my mind. No way. I either want children or I don't. I don't see how a guy could change that. Oh, it seems they may have been right.

And while I realize I'm not, technically, old with my fertility issues the older I get the more and more difficult it may be for me to conceive. And honestly, I'm in NO position right now to be having a baby. None. I barely have two cents to my name, I live in a house with 2 roommates. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt repayment. There is just no way. And I don't want to be someone who is having babies as she's approaching 40. My mother did it. It worked out for her. I just don't want to be in my late 30s. *If* I'm going to do it, its going to have to be over the next few years.

And I think this is why I'm having one of those could-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat days. I'm realizing I want to have a family. I'm realizing that for me to do that, naturally, means setting myself up for potential heartbreak again. It means pill popping and being poked and prodded by a doctor. Of course it would all be worth it in the end, if all works as it should. But I'm terrified I'm going to lose another one (which is why it was easier to just not want children).

So there you have it my friends: baby fever. I've got it. And I don't know what to do about it.

Staying put

So far my first week of vacation has been exhausting. Fun, but exhausting.

As of 3:01pm on Monday July 26 I was on vacation!

Tuesday morning, 6:55am my phone rings: "I'm on my way over"
"You're what?"
"Pick me up in an hour at the bus stop"
"ok"

The boy. He was coming over. I knew he was coming over, just not that early. He reasoning was he had to be to work at 12:00 so if he came over earlier that gave us more time. I like the way he thinks. We didn't do much beyond cuddle up in bed and attempt to go back to sleep. That didn't happen.

And then his phone rang.

"don't you dare answer it"

He didn't have to, we both knew who it was.

Work.

And our time got cut short. Instead of dumping him off at the bus stop I drove him over to work so at elast we'd have a few more minutes together. I wasn't happy. He knew I wasn't happy. However I understood. He, like me, would have felt guilty ignoring the phone knowing it was working needing him in early. So now he owes me for the lost time from Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon I hit the highway for the northern end of the province. I was getting together with a friend I met when I was living in Alberta. A friend I hadn't seen since I moved back over 3 years ago. She's originally from NS as well. She's been home a few times, we just were never able to coordinate a get together.

It was fun. Her family is hilariously dysfunctional! They're good people, just a little crazy! We drove around, saw some sights (I had never been to that area before), hung out at the beach and consumed wine. Lots of it.

The next day I made my way back to the city. I was going to stay another night but I had too much stuff to get ready for the weekend that I decided it would be best for me to come back earlier. I spent two nights at home then I was on the road again.

This time to the southern end of the province to my parents' house.

I landed there early afternoon on Friday. Didn't do much of anything beyond sit by the pool.

Saturday morning was filled with running errands in prep for my sister in-law's baby shower that afternoon. There were balloons to pick up, a huge cake to collect and just random odds and ends to do.

By 2:00 the house was filled with shower goers. It was a good time. The games went over fairly well, though I still hate the darn things. Presents were open and much food was consumed. It was a good time.

We had a few stragglers hang behind after most had left in favor of hitting the pool. It was a good time. My 3 year old niece can swim like a fish. She's a little hesitant to get in at first, but once she's in there's no stopping her!

I was originally planning on coming home on Monday, however my little brother whined and wanted me to stay home and I found out a friend of mine was home from England visiting her parents so I stayed another night to appease him and to get to see her.

My time at home was fun: much wine and beer were consumed and much of momma's good food was eaten. I'm exhausted now. And am looking forward to staying put for the last 5 days of my vacation.

I stopped at ON on my way home when I hit the city: they had jeans on sale for $19 so had to go buy as many pairs as I could for my brother for back to school. And I bought myself a dress. A sun dress. The boy put in a request to see me in a dress so I had to go find something. I have one or two dresses hanging in my closet but they're not just-threw-this-on-before-I-ran-out-the-door dresses. Its cute. I like it. We'll see if I actually wear it.

Boy hugs

(yup, thats right....more talk about the boy!)

His kisses are yummy. I like them and like that I get so many of them.

But his hugs are great too.

He's a fair bit taller than I am (I come in at 5'6"...while not short I'm not exactly tall either), I'm guessing he's 6'1" or so. Anyway, when he wraps his arms around me I fit in there perfectly. My head just hits his chest.

I needed a hug today. I've had a rough, long, busy weekend at work (the girl I was working with is a useless twit). Yesterday was bad, today was brutal. He called a few times throughout the day to make sure I was holding it together. And I was. Operative word: was. I gave the twit a few simple tasks to work on and told her I was taking a 10min walk, call my cell if you need anything. I called him, asked where he was. He was in his office. Great, stay put. I'm en route.

He knew, as soon as he saw me, that I just needed a hug. And he delivered.

Most people who know me know I don't like to be touched. I don't know why or where it came from but I just don't like it. But his hugs are different. As soon as he had ahold of me today I pretty well instantly relaxed and told him I could have fallen asleep standing there in his arms. It didn't make it any easier to want to go back to work either. However, it did make life suck a little less at that moment.

I met a friend and her bf after work for sushi. It was originally supposed to just be her and I so we could have a girls night: I hadn't seen her in a month so she was out of the loop as far as details about the boy go. However, her bf assumed he was included, so he came along. Which was fine, I like him, he's fun to hangout with. After dinner they went off to the beach so he could surf. She was texting me while she waited. Her first message to me said:

"you looked really happy today"

Me: "I know! Weird, eh"

Her: "Yes, in a very very good way!"

And I am really happy. I could be in the worst mood having the worst day, then I see him and its all better. Life is happier, then. I'm happier. He calms me.

We have plans to get together on Tuesday morning. Not sure what he has planned for the morning, but as long as I'm with him, thats really all that matters!

I want to fix it

Thats how I am. If something is wrong with someone I want to do what I can to fix it, or at least make it a little better for them.

The boy told me today he has another Dr appointment tomorrow. I was like "again?". He told me there is something wrong with him but they can't figure out what. Last week when he was there he told me it was an appointment for something to do with the military. He's retired from the military, but me being clueless about how the military works figured maybe this was some sort of follow up. Turns out, maybe not.

He hasn't told me what the problem is. I realize they don't know exactly what the issue is, but he hasn't even hinted toward it. Which I guess is fair enough.

I asked if he was OK..all he kept saying was he didn't know and that something is wrong. Ok, when I asked if you were OK I meant YOU. I told him if he needed anything he knew how to find me.

I have noticed lately he hasn't been quite himself. I hope whatever it is it isn't too serious and he's able to get it sorted out.

Perhaps I shouldn't tell him I've got my own issues I've been putting off going to the Dr for.

Ok, deep breath....(TMI alert)

Ok, so for those who don't know things with the boy are super great! And I'm so excited by that!

I asked him yesterday to play hooky from work today in favor of spending the day with me. He told me he couldn't take the day off. I got a text just a bit ago saying he left work early. Of course I have plans for tonight.

So, um, yeah...TMI alert: we made whoopie the other day. I'll spare you the details and suffice it to say that it was great.

And then he asks me if I'm on BC. I'm not. And I told him that. I also told him I was making an appointment ASAP to get some. (yeah, I know...should have thought of this sooner) His response:

its probably too late anyway.

Um, what?

He apparently has supersonic swimmers.

While I'm not the most fertile person out there this inspires a bit of panic. What if his swimmers are SO good they can even get to me?

I told him he wasn't being funny. He swears up and down its true. He's apparently quite fertile.

I told him I'm hoping my less than stellar fertility will balance off his supersonic fertility.

I wasn't planning on drinking at my friend's bday dinner tonight, but now I think I might!

So he signs off to go have a nap with: "anyway, enjoy your dinner mom, don't forget you're now eating for two"

Jerk.

While I know my getting pregnant takes more than "wham bam thankyou ma'am", it actually takes medical intervention, this is enough to make my head spin. There are too many what ifs. Time to get him some whacker wrappers and me some BC! PRONTO!

Seriously, I don't need or want a lecture on this. I KNOW! This is something we should have thought about before. I know I know.

Aaahhh....

After laying low most of yesterday and having a few cold ones last night my internal sense of panic disappeared.

I was just sooooo taken aback yesterday seeing that face again. I mean, really, what are the odds? Of all the grocery stores in this city she had to walk into mine!

I have no idea if she remembers or recognizes me, and I don't really care if she does or doesn't. All I know is I remember and recognize her. It did spark my need to flee. I mean really, someone tells you once they're going to put a bullet in you, you don't hang around to let them have a second chance. The police told me if she showed up again to call them. I didn't. I just wanted out of there. I did tell them I wasn't giving her the chance to threaten me again. They agreed that shouldn't be allowed to happen.

I had a rocky sleep last night. I fell asleep easlily enough (for a change) but had a restless sleep. I woke up this morning to find my sheets wrapped around my neck. I very rarely stay laying in one place at night anyway, but last night I must have been extra restless because none of my sheets were where they should have been.

Tonight is my friend's 30th birthday celebration. Her actual birthday was a few days ago, but because she was out of town the celebration was delayed. There's a bunch of us going to the Economy Shoe Shop for some eats, then out for drinking afterwards. I'm definitely going for dinner but am reasonably certain I'll be skipping the drinking after, for two reasons: 1) its not in the budget and 2) I don't want to deal with the hangover tomorrow. I just don't recover from a night out like I used to. It takes me days now to be back to normal. I'm not 21 anymore where I could go out all night, drink my face off and still function the next day. I go out now and drink my face off I need 2 days to lay in bed! And I'm getting together next week with a friend I haven't seen in 3 years so I want to preserve some drinking time for then! Not that we plan to have an epic night, but if we do have a few drinks I want to be able to enjoy it, and not still be recovering from the last time!

I'm so excited to get together with K again! When her and I get together trouble almost always happens! (oh, the stories I could tell you!) I met her when I moved to Alberta back in '04. We became good friends quite quickly. She's originally from NS as well. Since I moved back to NS 3 years ago we've talked a handful of times, kept up with eachother via Facebook. She's been home visiting a few times but it never worked out for us to get together. This time: WE'RE GETTING TOGETHER! And I can't wait! I'm so excited! We plan to hangout at her cottage, swim, eat, have a drink or two, and just catch up! Seriously, I'm THAT excited!

WOOOOHOOOO!!!! C'mon Tuesday!

A face I'll not soon forget

The boy and I texted a bit this morning. I could tell he wasn't really in the mood since he's staring down a long week of 12hr shifts. But he humoured me and played along for a bit. He asked if I was going to go hang out at the beach today. I told him I'd like to but have no one to go with me. He said I should go alone, get some peace and quiet. I'm pondering the idea, but I'm not so sure I want to make the 30min drive to the beach, get there, hang out for 45mins, decide beaching it solo isn't so much fun then make the 30min trek back home. Though after this morning I may just go anyway to decompress a bit.

I went to get groceries this morning. I was doing my thing, paid for my order and was on my way out of the store when I stopped dead in my tracks. There she was. Staring right at me. The crazy lady. The one who told me she was going to shoot me.

And cue panic mode.

Panic mode lead to flee mode.

And here I thought I was over it. Apparently seeing that twisted face of her's brought it all back.

Ugh. I texted a couple of friends to tell them. They both asked if I was OK. Which I am/was. I was just panicky and freaking out slightly. What I really wanted to do was call the boy, but I didn't want him to think I was being silly and over reacting. I may call him later though.

That was a fantastic start to my day. I'm telling you, her face is one I will not soon forget.

So sleepy.....

The boy and I are still fine. I was just having a female brain overreaction the other day that was making me think things weren't fine. I told him yesterday I thought he was mad at me. He assured me he wasn't, that he was just having a horribly bad day and wanted to be left alone. Fair enough.

He has decided he is going to actively look for a new job. This one is sucking him dry. He said yesterday he hates coming to work now. So I said "but I'm here!" and he said "I know. You're the only thing that keeps me coming in. You're my only brightspot in my days".

He also decided last night he was going to leave work 2hrs early. Since I like having him at work and like seeing him I got my pout on! I stuck my lower lip out and gave it my all! And he totally noticed. He called me on my pout and then sent me a text saying "you're being mushy today". Yeah, I'm not always cold and crusty! But it didn't work. He still left early.

He sent me a message at 10:30 last night saying he won $1250 partying with a buddy of his. He's had such a crap few days I'm glad he's got himself a little bit of extra happy. How he won it I don't know. I'll find that out today. We said our goodnights shortly after.

So I called it a night just after midnight. I was tired from not sleeping well the night before. At 1am my phone goes off. Seriously? I very rarely leave my ringer actually turned on, its usually on vibrate which I may or may not hear when I'm sleeping. Last night: ringer on. And its him. And the convo goes something like this:

P: "bad night, wanna be a housewife in Barbados, have a couple kids?"
E: "a housewife in barbados?"
P: "One of two jobs"
E: Barbados eh, sounds like an adventure.
P: That or Victoria
E: Victoria, BC? I love BC!
P: If I wanna
E: If you wanna? I'm not so sure I'm alert enough to follow.
P: Ok, tomorrow
E: You'll have to explain to me tomorrow because I don't think I'm following
P: You OK being a mom?
E: possibly. Still not sure about the idea of having kids.
P: We wik (which I assume he means 'we will')
E: Ok, its almost 2am, I've got to get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.

Um, what? Barbados? Victoria? Housewife? KIDS?

Ok, a move I could potentially deal with. Housewife I could probably deal with (though I HATE the term housewife), though would probably get bored quickly. Kids? Not sure about that one. Or ones as he seems to want.

That was quite the conversation to be having at 2am!

blergh.

Thats pretty well how I'm feeling today.

The weather is crap: the brochure didn't mention this was monsoon season. I want a refund.

Because of the weather I've been trapped in my house all day. Its not just raining. Its torrential down pouring. The kind of rain where you're soaked 2.3secs after stepping outside. Its lovely.

And AF came to visit the other day for the first time in almost a year. The rollercoaster horomones are throwing me for a loop. This too is lovely.

The boy woke me up at 8:03 this morning. Not cool. He usually calls or texts around 10:30 with a "good morning, are you up yet?", however this morning he figured 8:03 was a better time. Ugh. And now he's downtown sitting in a bar having a beer pondering his job situation.

A month ago he found out he wasn't getting a promotion he was told he'd be getting. Since then he's been unsure as to what he wanted to do: suck it up and stay or find a new job. He decided to stay, as concenus was his new manager wasn't going to last that long. However, he had lunch with his former boss (who used to work at the hotel) and he wants him to go work for him. Which would be fine, from what I gather its a similar job with better pay.

Then there is also our hotel manager who is currently between our hotel and one in another province. He keeps telling him to "just give him 2 months, I can't say anything but just give me 2 months". I figure he wants him to go work in Ontario where he is now.

If I got an opinion I'd rather he stay here. However, we're only, what, a week into this. I don't get an opinion on what he does with himself. Not yet anyway.

Anyway, we were supposed to do something today, however he's got all this on the brain he hasn't even mentioned getting together. Which is fair enough. I understand where he's coming from. I'm just having one of those days and would like to see him.

Ugh. Being an emotional chick sometimes sucks!

A walk, sunshine and a little fog.

And the boy.

Yup, thats right, the boy!

We were talking this morning and he says "come meet me at the park. we'll go for a walk".

"When?"

"It'll take me 20mins to walk there, so in about 20mins".

Ugh. At that point I wasn't showered (hadn't showered since Saturday evening) and was still in my jammies, hair going in a zillion directions.

I was a bit late getting there but I did it (sans shower). Thank goodness my hair is long enough to go into a pony tail! I threw on the first cuteish outfit I could find and off I went.

We walked around a beautiful park in the city which borders the harbour where we watched some yachts for a bit, though the fog was rolling in. The fog was a bit of a blessing since it was so warm, the fog gave a bit of relief.

The park has some old artillary buildings from many years ago. You can't go in them, but you can go up on top of some of them, so we explored a bit.

He held my hand for the first time. I like it when a boy holds my hand. (it feels odd calling him a boy since he's obviously not)

And we kissed. Oh boy we kissed. I haven't kissed like that in a long long looooooong time. And omigosh he found my weak spot......already! (I think I may be in trouble with this one! haha) We teased eachother. And held eachother. It was great.

This was the first time we spent any time together outside of work. It was nice. And I'm sure there will be much much more of it. And this is something that makes me happy!

"How goes OLD?"

Ha!

The short answer: its not. And I don't care. I really really don't.

One of the guys I work with, who is 8 years younger than I, asked how POF was going. I told him it wasn't, I hadn't logged in for weeks and don't really care either. He has been on POF for about 2 months now and is already tired and done with it. I told him I had no intention of logging in anytime soon and that I'm having far too much fun this summer so far to worry about it anyway.

Yes, thats right. I, Erin, am having fun! And I'm loving it! I'm not doing anything crazy exciting but hanging out with friends, wandering the waterfront, hitting the beach.....I've done more so far this summer than I did all last summer! Up until recently I preferred to live like a hermit. I have to deal with people all day at work, I didn't want to deal with them when not at work was my theory. However, I don't necessarily have to deal with people when out and about. I can be pleasant and polite but I don't have to have indepth interactions, which is fine by me.

I can even say that I'm having some fun at work too. Sure there are a handful of hard ones to deal with, but for the most part everyone has been so super nice. I love a guest that checks in that didn't check their brain when they left their house. They've all been nice and funny and super easygoing, which makes doing my job so much easier. We're in the Maritimes, we're a laid back bunch that do things a notch or two slower than most other places. It takes some adjustment for some people. However, please do not take it out on us because you're wound tighter than a 7-year clock.

Anyway, so far this summer has been great! And there is so much more summer left to be had!

PS: for anyone who cares or was wondering- Mr. Maintenance = not attached.

Happy 143rd Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Canada!

(yes, I'm tad late in posting this, right now its not technically July 1 anymore)

For fun I looked up a few reasons why people love Canada. Some of them were:

1. Canadian Bacon
2. Beer that doesn't suck
3. The weather: its unique and extreme-where else can you go from +40C to -40C?
4. Colorful money
   The Beaver is its national symbol
5. Poutine
6. The Toque
7. Tim Horton's <-one of my faves!

I love my country! I love its diversity and all its people. I love how, generally, we're a laid back group of people. I love our mountains, our lakes and oceans. I really really love where I live.

Here's to you Canada! You've stood your own for the past 143 years, here's to another!

Puppy Love

I'm spending the week housesitting. I'm currently taking care of 2 jack russells and 5 horses.

While I'm not a fan of the early mornings (the horses demand they be fed by 7:30...if not they kick the barn to pieces) I'm enjoying the canine and equine company.

I woke up this morning when both dogs took a flying leap up onto the bed and deposited themselves on top of me. Many a tail were wagging, and much of my face was licked.

As I type, the horses are outside happily munching away. There's nothing quite like happy critters!

As for whats going on with me? Not much of anything really.

My mother called yesterday and in her own weird way apologized for not being more sympathetic after my shinnanigans on Thursday.

I'm planning a visit sometime soonish to go visit my niece again. I don't see her often enough. SIL has been put off work a few months before she wanted to start her maternity leave. She has said to come down anytime, her and Miss A would welcome the company. I have a few photos of Miss A that I printed and framed that I want to take to her.

And I have to admit I'm getting VERY excited for the arrival of Miss M. I can't wait! Just a little over two months to go. I'm trying very hard not to go crazy buying all kinds of little pink things! So far I have only gotten a Montreal Canadiens little pink onesie. My brother is a Montreal fan, SIL not so much! She's a Toronto fan. I doubt she'll ever let Miss M wear the Canadiens shirt, but I got it for my brother's satisfaction!

I've also supplied them with 300 diapers. Walmart had a CRAZY sale on diapers (yeah, thats right I'm talking about diapers!) so for a great price I got them a couple boxes.

I'm also torn on what else I want to get them: a swinging/vibrating chair? A play mat? Something else? Her brother got them a crib. They have a dresser. I'll likely pick up some receiving blankets and that sort of stuff, but I want to get them useful for the babe.

I'm a little bummed I can't get the time off for vacation that i want. That completely killed plans I had with a friend to go away. That also means I have to work the weekend of my birthday. No going out for my 30th for me. I'll have to celebrate it a week early as it stands now. Or a week later. Being trapped at work is going to be great, I'm sure.

Ok, I'm off to shovel some horse poo......

It burns!

The sun that is.

I miss my younger days when I could frolic outside, in the yard or at the beach, with some SPF 15 on and be OK. I'd tan, no burn. It was glorious. Now, this is not the case.

I spent a day (and by day I mean just a couple hours) at the beach last week. I slathered on SPF60, and had a can of that spray sunscreen for my back which was SPF 30 (the spray is just easier to apply back there).

I spent a day (again, a few hours) at the beach yesterday. Again with the sunscreen.

Both days = sunburn.

And I'm not talking a little rosey. I'm RED.

I do realize that being by the water, with the reflection, intesnifies the sun. I applied sunscreen 30mins before we actually got the beach, and reapplied once I was there. And still I burn.

My days of tanning were all well and good up until about 12 years ago. I was laying out at mom and dad's reading my book. Mom came out and all I heard was: "Erin! Go jump in the pool RIGHT NOW!" I apparently was SOOOOOOO burned I had to get in the water to stop the burning process. I was a mess that night. It was a wicked burn. (in mom's words: I had a second degree sunburn, closely bordering on a 3rd degree)

And from that point on, I stopped tanning and started burning. Though at least now my burns fade out to tan instead of going from red back to pasty white.

I'm generally not a sun worshipper as I don't like the heat. However, I LOVE the water and the breeze at the beach makes being in the sun tolerable. And it was sooo relaxing yesterday. Nap worthy even. After the craptacular week I've had I needed some quiet downtime. I had my MP3 player in one hear in which I was listening to quiet, chill music and in the other ear I could hear the waves and the wind. It was bliss!

So, now I'm on a quest to find a sunscreen (or alternative) that I won't burn through. I've been hearing rumblings lately about Coconut Oil, so may research that a little further. I'm beginning to believe I need an SPF250 to keep me from burning.

And staying off the beach isn't an option. Its just too darn beautiful!

hmmmm....

Things with Mr. Maintenance continue along as they have.
He wasn't in yesterday so work was a flirt free zone! haha....
Today he was in: he magically appeared in the lunch room just after I sat down for my lunch. He called me, spficially, a few times through the day for silly things (all work related, however), he called me 20mins before I was leaving just to tell me to enjoy my days off and to relax, and joked to not call and bother him.

At one point today he had to get into the ladies room repair something. Instead of getting any of the other dozen females in the vacinity to check the washroom to make sure it was clear for him to go in he asked me.

I'm not going to lie: I like the attention.

However, before anyone goes there: he's attached, and since I've been the one at home wondering where her man was (while he was out with some other chick) this isn't even a possibility. Don't worry. I've received a few concerned emails from people i've mentioned this to. Seriously, NOT AN OPTION. I have more class than that.

Friends:

Friends:
-noun.
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.


May I draw your attention to #2, particularly the "supporter" part.

(warning: this may sound like a selfish post, but I don't care....)

I'd like to send out a great big thank you to all my friends who were less than supportive when I came to them after Thursday's events.

I have had more responses like:
"I'm sure she didn't mean it"
"It doesn't sound like it was as bad as you were making it out to be"
"She sounds like she was mentally unstable, you can't really blame her for what she said"
"Ok, so it happened. Big Deal. I don't see why you're stressing."
"You just have to get used to these things happening" (that one actually came from my mother)

You know what, screw all of you who said things like that to me. How dare you. All I asked for was a hug. Thats it. I didn't expect any of you to understand the situation I was in as I suspect not many, or any, of you have ever had someone threaten to put a bullet in you, and do it quite convincingly.

I'm so tired of people making light of my stress and anxiety over this. I put on my big girl pants and went back to work the very next day; less than 24hrs after this lunatic told me she was going to put a bullet in me. I stood at the very same computer, in the very same spot I was in when it all went down. I got back on the horse, and have so far made it through relatively unscathed.

No, I'm not looking for everyone to grovel and coddle me. All I wanted was for my friends to just be there for me. I realize I have family and friends spread out across the globe so a physical hug is pretty well impossible, however a kind word can go just as far.

And mom: telling me to get used to these things was I think the most hurtful of them all. You're my mother. I called you to tell you how horrifying my day was after some nutbar told me she was going to shoot me and that is all you can say? Gee, thanks.

This happened to me and I came to the people I thought would be there for me. As it turns out, precious few of them actually were. As it turns out, I got more support from my Lounge friends than I did my "real life" friends. My coworkers were fantastic. I received a few phone calls asking how i was throughout the weekend. They're all willing to listen if I feel like talking. I work with a great bunch of people.

It just irks me how people can be so oblivious to someone's feelings. Don't tell me how I should be feeling unless/until (God forbid) you wind up in my shoes one day.

Most of you know I'm not a selfish person. I don't ask for much. However, when I came to you all, my long time friends, in a time of need, I was left standing in the cold.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

Ok, moving along....

Its been not quite 4 days since all this crap went down.
Thursday night I didn't sleep.
Friday I slept about 3 hours.
Saturday I got about 4hrs.
Here it is Sunday and I'm running on 7hrs of sleep. I NEED 8hrs a night to function. You can imagine how well this is working out for me.

I close my eyes and I see her face. I can hear those words.
Damn her for doing this to me. Where does she get off?

Friday when I went back to work I was staring down anything and everything that moved. Needless to say I was a tad jumpy.

Saturday a little less jumpy but still VERY much aware of what was going on around me.

I'm going to admit that I'm TERRIFIED she's going to come back. The police assure me due to her mental state she likely won't remember me or where she was or what she said. Um, 'likely won't'? What if she does? What if her cognitive ability is better than you think it is? You also told me she LIKELY didn't have the mental capacity to operate a gun. Um, it doesn't take that much to be able to bend your finger around a trigger. It also wouldn't have taken much for her to have hit me given I was standing only 4 feet from her. And let's be honest here, I'm a 200+lb target....its not like she'd be aiming at a flea. The police were great through this whole thing, but its those two statements that keep running through my head.

My heart still races. I'm still on the brink of tears.
During the day isn't so bad. At night when I try to settle into sleep my head kicks into overdrive. I see her grey-headed face. I hear her raspy voice.

I've never really experienced shock or adrenaline before, at least not in a situation like this. I got tunnel vision. I only saw her. I forgot who else was in the building with me aside from two other people: my hotel manager and my conceirge. That was it. I had tuned out so much I didn't even think to call 911 until someone standing in the lobby suggested I do so. I know adrenaline kicks in for a reason, but it would be nice if it could do so without making me want to hurl.

If anyone is wondering: yes, your life does sort of flash before your eyes.

I'm just glad its over and I'm glad it ended the way it did. I'm only 2 months away from turning 30- I've got lots of time left before I'm ready to go.

Mr. Maintenance

So, remember the maintenance guy I mentioned in my post a few days ago?

Ok.....

I'm at work yesterday. An anxious ball of nerves after my little incident the day before (if you're someone who is on the board, see my DAY FROM HELL post). I get a phone call at 5:30: "can you come to the maintenance office? I need to talk to you." Um, ok. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about.

Turns out, the conversation he wanted to have was work related. Long story short he got screwed out of the Maintenance Manager position he had busted his hump to work towards. In talking to him I told him I thought him not getting it had nothing to do with our hotel manager it likely came from above him for whatever reason. He wasn't sure if he was going to stay and work under the guy that now has the job he wanted, or if he was going to leave.

I told him it sucked he didn't get the job (which is true, most of us at work were pulling for him). He thanked me for listening to him.

Later that night he called me at work after he was off. I was busy so my colleague told him I'd call him back. So I did. He said he just wanted to call me to tell me he figured out what he's going to do in relation to the job. He's going to stick it out for awhile. I told him he has enough people in the hotel that wanted him to stay and don't want to see him go, though would likely understand if he did.

As the conversation went on he said several times how well he and I get along and he feels like he can talk to me. He also said when he was talking to me in the office he almost broke down in tears. I told him I had noticed he was upset, and joked that I didn't do well with guys that cry. He said he's a retired soldier, they don't cry. I told him not to worry about it that everyone has a soft side, even I do.

It was this point that he got upset at me for not calling him on Thursday when my "incident" was taking place. I tried to tell him that as it was happening I totally forget he, and most everyone else, were in the building. The only two people I knew were there were the hotel manager and our conceirge guy. Hell, I didn't even think to call 911 until someone reminded me that would likely be a good idea. He was not happy with me that I didn't call him. He did come out when he heard what was going on, but stayed out front with all the guys that had come running to my rescue when they heard what was happening. (apparently he had been by the pool and saw the kitchen guys and others go running, so he followed suit to see what was going on). Literally, I went blank and forgot that anyone else was in the building.

Aaanyway,.....

So, let's do some math here:

he and I do the flirty thing at work. its fun. its what we do. We talk like "hi, how are ya" kinda thing at work but not much beyond that.

then out of nowhere he called me at home on Wednesday morning
then called again Wednesday evening
then on Friday he called me to his office so he could talk to me
then on Friday evening he called me again to talk

Am I the only one who is noticing a pattern here, or am I imagining things?

Chance

Chance was one of mom's cats. She found us several years ago.
One winter mom and I noticed she had been hanging around our house. Her and I being cat lovers couldn't just leave her out in the cold to fend for herself. So, mom and I fed her, secretly, in the garage. After a few days of doing this mom agreed we could keep her IF the vet said she was healthy, and if I wanted to keep her I would have to pay for her initial vet visit.

So I did. I was maybe 16 or so and scrounged enough to pay for her vet visit.

The vet cleared her so she came home with us.

The last little while she had been losing weight. She was getting older so we figured this was part of her getting older.

Mom always brings the cats in at night. We live in an area where its not unheard of for a coyote, a racoon, or an owl to grab a cat. The other night when she left for work for an all night shift she told dad to call her in so she wasn't out all night. Of course, he didn't. Mom came home and there was the cat sitting on the front step drenched. Mom brought her in and fed her. She spent most of the day sleeping.

That night Chancey passed away.

Her getting older and losing weight coupled with her getting wet and cold that night she just didn't recover. She is now resting, buried in my parents' yard with our other furbabes that have passed on.

She was a tempermental, moody feline. But we loved her. She only liked to be pet on her terms, when she was good and ready. She was above playing with anything. She was just too good for such things. She wouldn't eat unless you touched her food dish for her first. Forget drinking out of the dish, the fish bowl was so much better. And she was a hunter extraordinaire. That cat could take down anything she wanted to. And she was quite pleased with herself when she left her prize on the front door step for you to find.

She wasn't a cuddley cat. I was the only one whose lap she would curl up on. When ever I was home she would glue herself to me. I'd sit with a cushion from the sofa on my lap and she'd sleep for hours on me.

And purr. That cat could purr. She'd rival a Mack truck any time. You couldn't sleep with her on the bed, you'd never be able to tune her out.

She was a fabulous cat and I'll miss her terribly. I know she wasn't mine, perse, but I footed the bill for her to stay with us. I've always considered her to be mine.

~*~

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...