What Feeds Your Soul?

I'm back after being away for over a month.  To say the least the past few weeks have been a tad trying in my little world. 

After a botched attempt at meeting a new guy (turns out, dude has a kid and a girlfriend....how I find myself in these situations I have no idea), I've been chatting a bit with someone else.  This morning he sent me a message and asked the typical "what do you do in your spare time?" "what things do you enjoy?" and then this one: "what feeds your soul?".

What feeds my soul?

Huh.

Good question.

Of course I rattled off the usual responses: I like reading and books, cooking, music, I enjoy photography.....candle lit dinners and long walks on the beach.  

But are those things that feed my soul?

The more I gave some thought the more I realized that I've been neglecting myself; and not just these past few trying months, but in general.   I don't take time for me.  Well, rather I don't take positive time for me.  Up until earlier this month I was unemployed for 3 months, so I had plenty of time to myself but the majority of it was spent being bitter, miserable and sad.  In hindsight I should have allowed myself some time to be angry, but then used that time for me (along with job hunting!).  I should have capitalized on the opportunity that was staring me in the face to refocus and realign my priorities. 

About a week or so ago I found myself searching online for churches in my city.  I don't know what sparked it but I spent a fair bit of time reading websites, listening online to their services.  As I kept reading and browsing I realized that church isn't quite what I'm seeking.  It didn't feel quite right, like it wasn't the right fit. 

What does feed my soul?  I honestly can't tell you that at this point.  I have things I enjoy but are they things that nourish my soul? 

So, my blog friends, I ask you this: what feeds your soul? What brings you positivity and happiness?

It is foolish to postpone enjoyment of your ordinary life until you are more successful,

more secure, or m

ore loved than you are today

~ Timothy Ray Miller

When Opportunity Knocks....or kicks you in the gut

On Tuesday of this week I was slapped in the face by words I never thought I would hear: we're letting you go. 

Fired.
Terminated.
Canned.

I no longer had a job.

Now what?

I had fought so hard for my job.  I wanted it.  I had had two similar opportunities yanked out from under me over previous years.  This one was mine.  And it was. 

I have always been a damn hard worker, often, almost, to a fault.  I am 14 years into this industry and still enjoy it. 

But after this recent life change do I still enjoy it?
Is this what I'm really meant to be doing with my life?

In my last post I spoke about exploring the idea of volunteering abroad.  That notion blossomed from an overwhelming feeling I've had lately that I need to be doing more with my life.  I feel I need to be doing something that matters, that makes a difference, that some how contributes to the greater good. 

And yet at the same time I have found it difficult to fully embrace this notion.  These past few years have felt like a constant struggle.  I don't think I recall a period in there where things felt lighter, dare I say easier.  It feels like it has been a continuous uphill battle, and as soon as it feels like things might be leveling out the climb gets steeper. 

These past few days I have found it difficult to not curl up in a ball and forget the world exists.  I have cried more times than I care to admit; the kind of crying that comes from deep within.  The feeling of anxiety riddled panic is one I am becoming familiar with.  I try to keep the voice in my head that tells me I am in big trouble quiet.  I try to remind myself that I will figure this out, like I always do.  However, this is easier said than done.  It is too easy to succumb to the fear, the worry, the panic.  It is too easy to let myself slip into their grip.  Part of the process is to let myself feel these things but not for too long. 

This morning on Facebook one of my aunts sent me my horoscope as found in the Globe and Mail today:

"Today's solar eclipse means a new start in your career or vocation is not just possible but desirable, too. If your present position does not satisfy you or bring the rewards you desire then now is the time for a change."

I always finding it interesting when a horoscope is eerily accurate.  It is strange to me how these words written by who knows who can resonate so clearly.  

To put it bluntly getting fired sucks.  It just plain old sucks.  However, it is also allowing for a new opportunity to present itself.  I have said I want a change in my life, perhaps this is the Universe's way of giving it to me. 

 

Skeletons in an almost 50-year old closet

As some of you may know I'm adopted.  I've always known, it has never been a surprise.  It just is what it is. 
Recently I've been toying with the idea of trying to locate my non-identifying information and biological family medical history.  I'm at an age now that I've started to realize how important my health is.  Unfortunately I currently have no idea if I have a genetic predisposition to any illnesses.  It is information like this that could possibly be vitally important one day.  So, I have submitted my paperwork to the Adoption Disclosure office in my province.  Unfortunately it will take six months to a year for me to be placed with a social worker.  No searching will be done until that happens.  So, it could very well be this time next year before I know anything, if there is anything to know.  I have no idea what is in my records or how much information my biological mother provided almost 33 years ago.  I have not yet decided whether or not I want to meet them.  I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

So, while I wait for the call from the social worker I periodically take to the internet to do some searching myself.  As I have very little information to go on my search attempts thus far have been fruitless. 
As I was browsing one website in particular another posting caught my eye.  I clicked and I read.  It was a posting from someone looking for their biological father and any other family members that would be willing to connect with her.  She knew the last name of her biological mother, where her bio-mother was from, and where she was born.  Funny, I am from that same area.  Even funnier I have people in my family with that same last name.  Hmmm....maybe there is a connection somewhere.  So, I message this person, and tell her I have family members with that same last name and I'm also from that same area, perhaps I could help her.  Oh, and by the way I'm adopted too so I know where  you're coming from.  After a few messages back and forth I learn that she already knows who her bio-mother is: my great-aunt. I was shocked. When I messaged her thinking I could help I thought this may be a distant connection.  I never dreamed it would be my great-aunt. It has been a few years but they have been in contact though they have not met.  She has also been in contact with one of her half-brothers.  Though when she asked about who her bio-father was contact from them both stopped. 

After a few more messages we arrange to meet for lunch the next day.  It was kind of strange.  Here I am, a link to a part of her biological family, yet I'm not her biological family.  Here she is looking to find people she looks like, and here I am looking like no one in my family.  And yet, we are still family.  It was also shocking how much she and her bio-mother look alike.   We had a nice lunch and sat and chatted for 2 hours. 

I came home and called mom to tell her I had found a cousin of her's that she didn't know she had.  She was surprised.  She intends to talk to her mother (my great aunt's sister) about this.  For whatever reason my gr-aunt is unwilling to meet with our new found cousin.  However, M (cousin) would like to meet other members of the family if they are open to it.  So, mom is going to talk to my grandmother then we'll go from there.  My task is to try to find a picture of my great aunt for M. 

The universe has a funny way of working.  Here I was poking around the internet trying to find a link to my biological family, and I ended up being M's link to half of her's.   We've added each other to Facebook.  As I was looking through her pictures she posted a meme type thing that says: "We don't meet people by accident.  They are meant to cross our path for a reason."  So true.  And again with the universe and it's funny tricks!

Oh, and here is a link to a clip of an interview she did just a few days about about how difficult it is for adoptees to search and be given information in this province:  http://globalnews.ca/video/534382/adoption-challenges-in-nova-scotia

Stagnant

Wow.  It has apparently been 8 months since my last post.  Truth be told I sort of became disinterested with blogging.  Add to that the fact that I haven't really had much to share, and that has left me with a lonely blog.

For those who don't already know I have been laid off from my job for the past few months.  So, I have spent more time than I would like sitting doing nothing.  Its not uncommon for me to go days without leaving my apartment.  Sad, I know.  Being unemployed I'm scared if I leave the house I will spend money I don't have.

All this down time has also given me much time to think.  I've sort of come to the realization that I need to do something with my life.  I sort of feel like lately I'm not even almost living up to my potential.  I'm not necessarily talking professionally, but just in general.  I feel like I have something to offer the universe that could possibly make a difference.  And really, I'm not getting any younger here (yes I realize I have plenty of years left), if I don't start making changes now, taking chances, and seizing opportunities, then when will I?

A few weeks ago my mother mentioned to me that I should look into taking a mission trip.  I sort of scoffed and shrugged off her suggestion.  Then today a friend sent me the link to a website that facilitates international volunteer trips.  Again my initial reaction was to shrug it off.  I can't very well go galavanting around foreign lands for who knows how long.  I mean, I have bills to pay.  But then I realized, a trip like this would be the opportunity to travel AND spend some time volunteering.  Interesting.  If I'm going to spend the money to go on vacation anyway, then why not? I've always said if/when I travel the idea of just sitting on a beach sipping cocktails does not sound like the best use of my time.  Don't get me wrong, if someone called and said they bought me a ticket to Cancun to bask on the beach for a week I would absolutely take it.  But it isn't top on my list of things to do.  I've always said I'd rather travel, take in the culture, the architecture, the customs of the locals.  THAT sounds like a great experience to me.

So, I browsed the website and I browsed it some more.  And I found them on Facebook, and then I looked up their videos on youtube.  And something in this video just hit me: Volunteer in Kenya I don't know how to explain it but it's like this video reached out and grabbed me.
As I browsed through the website I realized I was drawn to Kenya, Uganda and Ghana with Costa Rica coming in 4th.  I have no idea why but I've always wanted to go to Africa.  When ever discussions of travel come up I always throw out the usual suspects: Greece, Italy, anywhere in Europe basically.  And I always follow it up with "and I'd LOVE to go to Africa".  That usually earns me some funny  looks.  I can't explain it but I'm drawn to it.

And now, here I sit wondering if this is something I should do?  I'd somehow have to come up with a couple thousand dollars to fund my trip, but if I'm going to spend money to travel anyway, I might as well jump in with both feet and donate some of my time to assisting the locals, to making a difference.  It would be mutually beneficial: I'd give my time to assisting the local communities, meeting some amazing people, and I'd learn so much and would have an amazing experience.  Obviously I'd have to look further in to it, but it sounds like such an incredible opportunity.  If I decided to do this it wouldn't be until next year (2014), likely fall, so that would give me a year and a half to fund raise.

I've got lots to think about it seems.

Funny, after I initially posted this, I noticed the Quote of the Day (see it there to the right of my little blog screen?) was: "Experience is the teacher of all things." -Julius Caesar