...two leaps back.
I had a good day yesterday, despite my craptastic week. Great food, surprises from friends, it was quite nice, actually. And actually the few days before my birthday I was feeling Ok too. I wasn't great, by any stretch, but I wasn't a sobbing mess either.
Today: back to a sobbing mess. Ok, maybe not quite a mess, but I've been fighting tears all morning.
Why is this so hard to deal with? We weren't even an official couple. We had only started talking 2 months ago, and really "seeing eachother" not quite 6 weeks ago. It hasn't been that long. Why am I finding it so hard to let go and move on.
When I was talking to N this morning I said something to the effect that the hopeful part of me and the logical part of me aren't agreeing at the moment. The hopeful part of me still thinks there is a chance, that I'll hear from him, we'll talk it out and we'll go forward together. However, the logical part of me knows that is quite unlikely. But WHY?!
There must be something in the air right now:
two girls I work with (J & K) are having issues with the guys they were/are seeing, my roomie's friend is having man issues, and my friend S is having issues with her bf too. WTH?
The difference between all them and me? Their guys are still talking to them. They can have conversations about what is bothering them, and get some sort of answers. I can't. I'm left to sit here and guess and wonder. And being a girl as I am I am left wondering what the hell it is I did that made him turn around and run. (I know, I know....it isn't anything I did or didn't do......but let's be honest, as women, when going through stuff like this, we all wonder it)
(dammit....the flood gates have opened again......gone in search of tissues...........)
Ok....back.....
And let me tell you: it is taking every fibre of my being to not text him. EVERY. FIBRE. Today is his first day at his new job. I so badly want to send a "I hope you have a great first day" text. The hopeful part of me would hope he'd respond, say he had a great first day, ask how my day was and all that jazz. The logical part knows he'll see it and not likely respond.
I spend my time willing the phone to ring. And when it does ring for a fleeting moment I am excited and hopeful that its him. And then its not, and I'm again saddened. I used to carry my cell everywhere with me, so i wouldn't miss a text from him: kept it in my pocket at work on vibrate so I'd know when I got a message, slept with it under my pillow so I would hear the buzzing when my "good morning beautiful" text would come in, just incase I was still sleeping when he sent it. I loved getting his messages, and having him call me beautiful and his queen. I've never heard the words "you're so beautiful" from a guy before. I so thought this time it was going to be different.
Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't deserve me, I deserve better, his loss.........I just don't see it that way. At least not yet. I've never felt the urge quite so strongly before to fight for someone. He was it. I saw us old and grey down the road. I've never had those thoughts with anyone before. His hugs were perfect, they fit me like a glove. His kisses were sweet, and passionate. I miss them. I miss them terribly. And I miss the person they came from even more.
:(
You know why it hurts? Because you let him in, you trusted him, you believed him, and he broke that. I won't tell you that you deserve more, because while you do, I know that's not what you want to hear. BUT, don't let him win this and don't give in, because that? You absolutely deserve more than what he can give you right now, busy or not, that's no way to treat a lady.
ReplyDeleteHugs my friend.