Ok, I'll admit it......

Oh geeze.

So after a great weekend at home with my parents and brothers, and my sister in-law and my niece, and the baby shower.....

I think I've got baby fever.

Yes, thats right.

And yes, this coming from the one who has said for the past few years she didn't want to have kids. I love kids, but just never felt the desire to have any of my own. Or so I thought. Now I'm wondering if I just convinced myself I didn't want to have kids because of my fertility issues. It would just be easier to not want to have them than it would be to go through, again, all the ups and downs and potential heartbreak of fertility treatments. Sure there is always the possibility that treatments will work and there will be no heartbreak, however my last go-round didn't turn out so well. So yeah, maybe I just convinced myself I didn't want kids so I didn't have to go through what I did the last time. I tried once, it didn't quite go as planned. I was devastated. Do I really want to put myself through that again?

Anyway, I always said I didn't want to have children. So many people told me when I met the right man I'd likely change my mind. No way. I either want children or I don't. I don't see how a guy could change that. Oh, it seems they may have been right.

And while I realize I'm not, technically, old with my fertility issues the older I get the more and more difficult it may be for me to conceive. And honestly, I'm in NO position right now to be having a baby. None. I barely have two cents to my name, I live in a house with 2 roommates. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt repayment. There is just no way. And I don't want to be someone who is having babies as she's approaching 40. My mother did it. It worked out for her. I just don't want to be in my late 30s. *If* I'm going to do it, its going to have to be over the next few years.

And I think this is why I'm having one of those could-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat days. I'm realizing I want to have a family. I'm realizing that for me to do that, naturally, means setting myself up for potential heartbreak again. It means pill popping and being poked and prodded by a doctor. Of course it would all be worth it in the end, if all works as it should. But I'm terrified I'm going to lose another one (which is why it was easier to just not want children).

So there you have it my friends: baby fever. I've got it. And I don't know what to do about it.